Why am I so resistant?
Anyone who knows me knows how much I usually love birthdays. Each year growing up, my poor mom had the difficult task of trying to live up to my unrealistic birthday expectations. I have always thought life deserved to be celebrated, and greatly.
When I moved to the DR at age 27 I thought of how I would be turning 30 during my time abroad and what that would look like.
As I have been incredibly challenged this summer, I have found my thoughts drifting negatively to 30 and to what I am lacking. Instead of thanking The Lord for the incredible gifts and opportunities I have been given; I have focused on exhaustion, heat & humidity and missing the comforts found in America.
I am ashamed that in my trials; struggles have been whispered into my ears and taken root in my thoughts. Lies of inadequacy, of the sacrifices of following Christ, of no longer fitting into my home culture, of if I would ever fit into America again, of what good am I really doing in the DR.
My thoughts have focused on the abundance of engagements, weddings and pregnancies that continue to bless my dear friends and yet I continue to serve The Lord solo.
I don't share this for a pity party. I share this as a reality of the struggles of being tired and on the mission field.
This past month as I have been cramming for my boards, I have had more time alone than in years. And that is when 30 has even more become this horrifying age of what society tells me I should have but so clearly lack.
I don't have a high paying job. I don't own a house. I don't have a husband. I don't have children.
As my laments became stronger and stronger this month, I had the opportunity to go away for a weekend. To celebrate my roommate as she moves back to the states. To be in air conditioning away from the heat. To eat a variety of vegetarian foods (I was even becoming sick of rice and beans....the tragedy!!!). To sleep.
And to spend time alone with The Lord. When am I going to learn that is always what is needed? Always (see missionaries are far from having anything figured out).
When I was living in NYC 5 years ago; I had money, I dated a lot and had a prestigious job. I was living our societal ideation of success.
But I lacked purpose. Fulfillment. Meaning.
I lacked Christ.
During my time alone with Jesus at the beach, he lead me to 2 Corinthians 16-18 which reads:
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
As I pondered these verses, I reflected...
I may not have societal successes but...
I have CHRIST!!! In a post-modern world I have a relationship with the creator of the university and He has chosen me to follow HIM!
I have an adventurous life in the DR. I have an incredible Christian community who sharpens and grows my faith on the regular. I have countless friends all over the world. I have the privilege of paving the way in medical missions, teaching nursing students, tackling the tropical disease Chikungunya and sharing the love of Christ. I am living my passion. All the time.
So, Rachel, what is 30? What does it matter the earthly things we are lacking when we as Christians are looking toward our eternity.
I still struggle with turning 30. I know age may always be difficult as the future continues to close in.
But, I am so grateful to be reminded of the choice to be thankful. Just like we daily choose to follow Christ, I can also daily choose to look at the incredible path that has been paved for me. That hopefully glorifies God and forever impacts those I work with.
My life is so full.
What is a number anyways?
