I passed. In so many ways I feel as light as a butterfly. I don't need to worry about medical tests or boards for 10 years.
But through my studying and preparations I saw how ugly my heart can be. As PAs we have more than one opportunity to take our boards...I think it may be something like five times. But, due to my incredibly public life, taking my exam didn't just slip under the radar like other PAs. No I had to apply for a leave from my international job, fly home, study and take the test. Without any board preparation.
And yet, my greatest concern wasn't that I pass for myself or my patients, but that I wouldn't have to admit to seemingly the entire world that I failed. My supporters who believe in my skills and my patients who are receptors of my knowledge.
I also realized how much of my identity is in grades and doing well in things. Ugly. I was so confronted with this reality that I was almost positive that I would fail so that I needed to admit to the world imperfection.
But then, that is not the God we serve. We serve a God who honors His call on our lives. And provides us with the resources needed to do that. For me, my license.
And so, I thank Him. For carrying me when I was tired. For helping information to permeate into my brain and then allowing me to retrieve it when needed. And for continuing to shape my flaws. My ugliness. And any part of my identity that fails to be focused on Him alone.
Once again....I am always learning....
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
buh bye 20s
I do not want to turn 30. I am kicking and screaming each day that is leading to September 8. And yet despite my search for the fountain of youth the days keep coming.
Why am I so resistant?
Anyone who knows me knows how much I usually love birthdays. Each year growing up, my poor mom had the difficult task of trying to live up to my unrealistic birthday expectations. I have always thought life deserved to be celebrated, and greatly.
When I moved to the DR at age 27 I thought of how I would be turning 30 during my time abroad and what that would look like.
As I have been incredibly challenged this summer, I have found my thoughts drifting negatively to 30 and to what I am lacking. Instead of thanking The Lord for the incredible gifts and opportunities I have been given; I have focused on exhaustion, heat & humidity and missing the comforts found in America.
I am ashamed that in my trials; struggles have been whispered into my ears and taken root in my thoughts. Lies of inadequacy, of the sacrifices of following Christ, of no longer fitting into my home culture, of if I would ever fit into America again, of what good am I really doing in the DR.
My thoughts have focused on the abundance of engagements, weddings and pregnancies that continue to bless my dear friends and yet I continue to serve The Lord solo.
I don't share this for a pity party. I share this as a reality of the struggles of being tired and on the mission field.
This past month as I have been cramming for my boards, I have had more time alone than in years. And that is when 30 has even more become this horrifying age of what society tells me I should have but so clearly lack.
I don't have a high paying job. I don't own a house. I don't have a husband. I don't have children.
As my laments became stronger and stronger this month, I had the opportunity to go away for a weekend. To celebrate my roommate as she moves back to the states. To be in air conditioning away from the heat. To eat a variety of vegetarian foods (I was even becoming sick of rice and beans....the tragedy!!!). To sleep.
And to spend time alone with The Lord. When am I going to learn that is always what is needed? Always (see missionaries are far from having anything figured out).
When I was living in NYC 5 years ago; I had money, I dated a lot and had a prestigious job. I was living our societal ideation of success.
But I lacked purpose. Fulfillment. Meaning.
I lacked Christ.
During my time alone with Jesus at the beach, he lead me to 2 Corinthians 16-18 which reads:
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
As I pondered these verses, I reflected...
I may not have societal successes but...
I have CHRIST!!! In a post-modern world I have a relationship with the creator of the university and He has chosen me to follow HIM!
I have an adventurous life in the DR. I have an incredible Christian community who sharpens and grows my faith on the regular. I have countless friends all over the world. I have the privilege of paving the way in medical missions, teaching nursing students, tackling the tropical disease Chikungunya and sharing the love of Christ. I am living my passion. All the time.
So, Rachel, what is 30? What does it matter the earthly things we are lacking when we as Christians are looking toward our eternity.
I still struggle with turning 30. I know age may always be difficult as the future continues to close in.
But, I am so grateful to be reminded of the choice to be thankful. Just like we daily choose to follow Christ, I can also daily choose to look at the incredible path that has been paved for me. That hopefully glorifies God and forever impacts those I work with.
My life is so full.
What is a number anyways?
Why am I so resistant?
Anyone who knows me knows how much I usually love birthdays. Each year growing up, my poor mom had the difficult task of trying to live up to my unrealistic birthday expectations. I have always thought life deserved to be celebrated, and greatly.
When I moved to the DR at age 27 I thought of how I would be turning 30 during my time abroad and what that would look like.
As I have been incredibly challenged this summer, I have found my thoughts drifting negatively to 30 and to what I am lacking. Instead of thanking The Lord for the incredible gifts and opportunities I have been given; I have focused on exhaustion, heat & humidity and missing the comforts found in America.
I am ashamed that in my trials; struggles have been whispered into my ears and taken root in my thoughts. Lies of inadequacy, of the sacrifices of following Christ, of no longer fitting into my home culture, of if I would ever fit into America again, of what good am I really doing in the DR.
My thoughts have focused on the abundance of engagements, weddings and pregnancies that continue to bless my dear friends and yet I continue to serve The Lord solo.
I don't share this for a pity party. I share this as a reality of the struggles of being tired and on the mission field.
This past month as I have been cramming for my boards, I have had more time alone than in years. And that is when 30 has even more become this horrifying age of what society tells me I should have but so clearly lack.
I don't have a high paying job. I don't own a house. I don't have a husband. I don't have children.
As my laments became stronger and stronger this month, I had the opportunity to go away for a weekend. To celebrate my roommate as she moves back to the states. To be in air conditioning away from the heat. To eat a variety of vegetarian foods (I was even becoming sick of rice and beans....the tragedy!!!). To sleep.
And to spend time alone with The Lord. When am I going to learn that is always what is needed? Always (see missionaries are far from having anything figured out).
When I was living in NYC 5 years ago; I had money, I dated a lot and had a prestigious job. I was living our societal ideation of success.
But I lacked purpose. Fulfillment. Meaning.
I lacked Christ.
During my time alone with Jesus at the beach, he lead me to 2 Corinthians 16-18 which reads:
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
As I pondered these verses, I reflected...
I may not have societal successes but...
I have CHRIST!!! In a post-modern world I have a relationship with the creator of the university and He has chosen me to follow HIM!
I have an adventurous life in the DR. I have an incredible Christian community who sharpens and grows my faith on the regular. I have countless friends all over the world. I have the privilege of paving the way in medical missions, teaching nursing students, tackling the tropical disease Chikungunya and sharing the love of Christ. I am living my passion. All the time.
So, Rachel, what is 30? What does it matter the earthly things we are lacking when we as Christians are looking toward our eternity.
I still struggle with turning 30. I know age may always be difficult as the future continues to close in.
But, I am so grateful to be reminded of the choice to be thankful. Just like we daily choose to follow Christ, I can also daily choose to look at the incredible path that has been paved for me. That hopefully glorifies God and forever impacts those I work with.
My life is so full.
What is a number anyways?
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Disciple to Multiply
I am like a proud Momma duckling. Ok, that's a little tacky and extreme. But nothing is more fulfilling than watching someone you love and have poured yourself into attempt to walk upright in the Lord, take control of her life, achieve yet again straight A's in school and share her passion with others.
In case you didn't know, I speak of Caroly.
Yesterday, we welcomed another graduate of the Women's Volleyball Program into our site. It is my dream that when my two nurses come on staff they have a Caroly (read clearly, not Caroly, A Caroly....haha). And yesterday we began that training process.
As we sat in Angosto and I watched Caroly teach Shakira how to assess vital signs, I sat in disbelief. How far Caroly has come in a year. She has taken ownership of her life, her future, her passions. And now she is sharing that with her peers.
Multiply. We disciple to multiply.
And so, I may be getting a little ahead of myself since we just began day one, but I give thanks. For the lives of these young girls who are beating the odds, becoming educated and have incredibly bright futures in front of them. THEY are the future of the DR.
In case you didn't know, I speak of Caroly.
Yesterday, we welcomed another graduate of the Women's Volleyball Program into our site. It is my dream that when my two nurses come on staff they have a Caroly (read clearly, not Caroly, A Caroly....haha). And yesterday we began that training process.
As we sat in Angosto and I watched Caroly teach Shakira how to assess vital signs, I sat in disbelief. How far Caroly has come in a year. She has taken ownership of her life, her future, her passions. And now she is sharing that with her peers.
Multiply. We disciple to multiply.
And so, I may be getting a little ahead of myself since we just began day one, but I give thanks. For the lives of these young girls who are beating the odds, becoming educated and have incredibly bright futures in front of them. THEY are the future of the DR.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Jeremiah 29:11
Tomorrow begins a new season without teams. An autumn filled with "normal" clinics as just Fernando, Caroly and I will head out to communities alone for several months. Then in October we will be joined by three nursing students from Bethel College until Christmas.
This morning I sit rocking on my porch, eating a sweet mango, reading through the gospels and reflecting on the last three months of intense ministry. Some times I find myself wondering whether reflection is truly a healthy thing. It is good to learn from our choices but in the same regard it can be oh so painful to see our down falls.
Recently, I wrote an email to a dear friend and mentor and was finally able to identify the sour taste I had in my mouth about this summer. My plate was so full (all with things I am incredibly passionate about) that I wasn't able to give my best and do an incredible job, in fact, in anything. I shamefully admit, I just barely got by.
I've shared about the illness we had with students...when at one point I had more than 40 sick participants over a weekend. I myself was sick with an amoeba. I have been trying to study for my boards (Sept 11). My roommate and I led the intern bible study and mentored three more intensely. I had a two week eye clinic in which we saw more than 600 patients. And I began a new branch to my ministry working with the shoe shine and street guys in town. I was the director of a dear friend (and fellow missionary's wedding) and we hosted past interns through all the wedding festivities. All this while continuing my regular clinics.
I hate feeling like a failure. But, as the summer wrapped up and I said goodbye to the interns, thought about the 18 participants who served in my site and realized how tired I continue to be, I can't help but pray that God's sovereignty shone through all my inadequacies.
Last summer, my site was new, missionaries in town didn't know I existed, my patient load was low and interns were an added bonus to my ministry. This summer, my clinics have become so busy I never seem to have quite enough time to pour into the students and patients that I once did. Let alone adequately disciple interns in the way I felt they deserved. Thankfully, God is sending me two nurses and hopefully a volunteer in 2015 that will allow us to give both the participants and students the attention they deserve. Because, I am truly here for both.
This summer I have also found that God has ignited a new passion in my heart through Marcos and has given me the opportunity to work with some of the street boys in town. It started with one but is growing as Jim (missionary starting a site for the shoe shine boys) and I realize what an incredible conduit medicine can be and how many physical ailments those living on the streets suffer. In the fall I hope to devote more time to them and will add a clinic day for them to my schedule.
I'm proud to say my site currently serves Dominicans, Haitians, street kids, those with physical and mental disabilities and missionaries in 7 different communities and a special needs school.
And on July 27th I celebrated my two year anniversary of living in country. Amazing. Baby steps to get to where I am. Perhaps reflection isn't awful and maybe God's sovereignty has shown through all my inadequacies after all? As more participants work with Fernando and I and discover their passions. As patients are healed through the gospel and physical ailments have become controlled. And I see past nursing students begin to make their mark on this world.
The front of my journal is inscribed with the famous words God spoke to the prophet Jeremiah.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Yes, I can say in the short term (the past 3 months) I don't feel as if I was as successful as I hoped. But thank the Lord success in heaven is not the same as our human standards.
And so, perhaps instead of thinking of how stretched I felt this summer, I will think of the doors God has opened over the past two years and the way that hopefully His glory has shown through all of my shortcomings.
And I will embrace the newness of autumn and the fresh opportunities it will bring.
This morning I sit rocking on my porch, eating a sweet mango, reading through the gospels and reflecting on the last three months of intense ministry. Some times I find myself wondering whether reflection is truly a healthy thing. It is good to learn from our choices but in the same regard it can be oh so painful to see our down falls.
Recently, I wrote an email to a dear friend and mentor and was finally able to identify the sour taste I had in my mouth about this summer. My plate was so full (all with things I am incredibly passionate about) that I wasn't able to give my best and do an incredible job, in fact, in anything. I shamefully admit, I just barely got by.
I've shared about the illness we had with students...when at one point I had more than 40 sick participants over a weekend. I myself was sick with an amoeba. I have been trying to study for my boards (Sept 11). My roommate and I led the intern bible study and mentored three more intensely. I had a two week eye clinic in which we saw more than 600 patients. And I began a new branch to my ministry working with the shoe shine and street guys in town. I was the director of a dear friend (and fellow missionary's wedding) and we hosted past interns through all the wedding festivities. All this while continuing my regular clinics.
I hate feeling like a failure. But, as the summer wrapped up and I said goodbye to the interns, thought about the 18 participants who served in my site and realized how tired I continue to be, I can't help but pray that God's sovereignty shone through all my inadequacies.
Last summer, my site was new, missionaries in town didn't know I existed, my patient load was low and interns were an added bonus to my ministry. This summer, my clinics have become so busy I never seem to have quite enough time to pour into the students and patients that I once did. Let alone adequately disciple interns in the way I felt they deserved. Thankfully, God is sending me two nurses and hopefully a volunteer in 2015 that will allow us to give both the participants and students the attention they deserve. Because, I am truly here for both.
This summer I have also found that God has ignited a new passion in my heart through Marcos and has given me the opportunity to work with some of the street boys in town. It started with one but is growing as Jim (missionary starting a site for the shoe shine boys) and I realize what an incredible conduit medicine can be and how many physical ailments those living on the streets suffer. In the fall I hope to devote more time to them and will add a clinic day for them to my schedule.
I'm proud to say my site currently serves Dominicans, Haitians, street kids, those with physical and mental disabilities and missionaries in 7 different communities and a special needs school.
And on July 27th I celebrated my two year anniversary of living in country. Amazing. Baby steps to get to where I am. Perhaps reflection isn't awful and maybe God's sovereignty has shown through all my inadequacies after all? As more participants work with Fernando and I and discover their passions. As patients are healed through the gospel and physical ailments have become controlled. And I see past nursing students begin to make their mark on this world.
The front of my journal is inscribed with the famous words God spoke to the prophet Jeremiah.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Yes, I can say in the short term (the past 3 months) I don't feel as if I was as successful as I hoped. But thank the Lord success in heaven is not the same as our human standards.
And so, perhaps instead of thinking of how stretched I felt this summer, I will think of the doors God has opened over the past two years and the way that hopefully His glory has shown through all of my shortcomings.
And I will embrace the newness of autumn and the fresh opportunities it will bring.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Amoebas, Pink Pandemic and Chikun-what??
Well, to call this the summer of illness would be an understatement. Ready for some medical talk? Haha, I am a medical missionary...
As I shared before, I ended June with an amoeba. Then around the same time Chikungunya hit the island…which has become a bit of an epidemic.
Chikungunya is a mosquito born illness that creates intense and uncontrollable joint pain, high fevers, headaches, body aches and occasional GI distress. This virus has ravaged our island and quickly depleted our supplies of acetaminophen (Tylenol).
I have been spared at this point but each community I visit seem to have more and more patients contracting the illness along with several of our missionaries. It typically lasts about a week with residual fatigue. Those at highest danger are the young, old, pregnant and immuno-compromised (as with most diseases).
This week we welcomed our second to last team for the summer…it’s hard to believe we’ve been going straight since May! And with them my long awaited optometrist. At this point we have already fitted about 180 people for glasses. What a blessing!
On Thursday things got a little complicated when at 2am I received a call that students were having severe diarrhea and vomiting. By Friday afternoon 37 of 75 people living at our base had contracted a viral GI illness with fever, diarrhea, vomiting, nausea and back pain.
I knew my hands were full when they literally could not keep any medicine I fired at them down…including orally disintegrating Zofran!
As Fernando (my doc) also was sick this past week and unable to assist me, I was so grateful for the past couple of weeks of rest. Early July began an intense period of time when I began to understand self preservation, and so I was ready for what we’ve deemed the “Pink Pandemic (ok…it’s not quite a pandemic or pink but pepto bismol has just been a necessity).” I put together my task force of interns and together we tackled vital signs and evaluating each patient to ensure they hadn't become dehydrated.
This morning, I once again marveled at God’s timing when I stayed healthy through the night and was good enough to evaluate patients this morning. I am so grateful that this virus lasts only about 24 hours. Not just for my patients, but because once most of them were in the clear I realized I am not immune and have found myself also developing symptoms.
And so, I ask you to pray with all of us. It’s hard to understand why so many students would be incapacitated when they are here to serve, but it just continues to remind us of the weakness and frailty of our human bodies.
I am praying for strength, recovery and no further spread of Chikungunya or this gastrointestinal bug. Please join me! I have big plans for this next week of eye clinics!
Gracias!
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Common Threads
Do you ever find yourself encompassed in themes? Not fairy tale or drama themes, but perhaps lessons that seem to envelope your life, over and over and over again?
Three weeks ago I hit a painful wall. After almost two years of being a medical missionary with summer in full swing; my community clinics thriving as well as personal patients I became numb from exhaustion. Sometimes this seemingly relaxed culture in which I dwell can play tricks on my mind and make me feel like I am getting enough rest or time off from being the "on-call" doc when in reality I'm not.
Ok, so that made me step back and talk with some wise people in my life about how I can draw some boundaries (gosh I hate that word).
And find some silence. And spend more time with the Lord.
Then our next team arrived. And life was busy again, but in a good way. Once again I was finding it difficult to have time for myself, but that's ok, I love what I do!
On Sunday at church our Pastor preached on the importance of resting in the presence of the Lord and how easy it is to become so busy serving Him that we don't have time for Him.
That same day I began reading the bible study my roommate Chelsie and I will be leading our interns in this week....on the spiritual disciplines of Silence and Solitude.
And just to re-enforce the wake up call I needed for rest and rejuvenation in the presence of the Lord...this week I have been completely disabled with a gastrointestinal amoeba. Yuck. With a 103 fever and 6 lb weightless in 2 days, I have had no choice but to be humbled and spend time curled up in the fetal position in silence, solitude and the presence of the Lord. Por fin.
Don't worry. I'm on the mend and tomorrow I'm planning on going back to work. I have been more than appreciative of the way people have served me in my time of illness :)
But, clearly the Lord wants my attention and is trying teach me what I need.
How often we ignore those early signs or messages He is sending us. He always knows what is best for us, yet why do we let the busyness of life get in the way? Even if that busyness is serving Him?
Three weeks ago I hit a painful wall. After almost two years of being a medical missionary with summer in full swing; my community clinics thriving as well as personal patients I became numb from exhaustion. Sometimes this seemingly relaxed culture in which I dwell can play tricks on my mind and make me feel like I am getting enough rest or time off from being the "on-call" doc when in reality I'm not.
Ok, so that made me step back and talk with some wise people in my life about how I can draw some boundaries (gosh I hate that word).
And find some silence. And spend more time with the Lord.
Then our next team arrived. And life was busy again, but in a good way. Once again I was finding it difficult to have time for myself, but that's ok, I love what I do!
On Sunday at church our Pastor preached on the importance of resting in the presence of the Lord and how easy it is to become so busy serving Him that we don't have time for Him.
That same day I began reading the bible study my roommate Chelsie and I will be leading our interns in this week....on the spiritual disciplines of Silence and Solitude.
And just to re-enforce the wake up call I needed for rest and rejuvenation in the presence of the Lord...this week I have been completely disabled with a gastrointestinal amoeba. Yuck. With a 103 fever and 6 lb weightless in 2 days, I have had no choice but to be humbled and spend time curled up in the fetal position in silence, solitude and the presence of the Lord. Por fin.
Don't worry. I'm on the mend and tomorrow I'm planning on going back to work. I have been more than appreciative of the way people have served me in my time of illness :)
But, clearly the Lord wants my attention and is trying teach me what I need.
How often we ignore those early signs or messages He is sending us. He always knows what is best for us, yet why do we let the busyness of life get in the way? Even if that busyness is serving Him?
"The Lord YOUR God is with you
He is mighty to save
He will take great delight in you
He will quiet you with His love
He will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17
So, my challenge for this summer is to find rest in His presence amidst teams, patients, studying for my boards and mentoring interns. To find quietness amidst the chaos. Because it's there, and I know so is He.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Summer is Here!
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| DoRe Interns 2014 |
One of the biggest blessings of the summer are the 12 interns who work within each of our sites. My roommate Chelsie and I have the opportunity to lead the intern bible study on spiritual disciplines and get to know them on a more intimate level.
Kacie Johnson (front row, fourth from the left) is my medical intern! She is a fourth year nursing student who has spent the last three summers serving at the Christian camp Hume Lake in California. She has a passion for students and children with disabilities. After serving together for several weeks, I know we're in for an awesome summer of ministry together!
Please keep us in your prayers as we continue to welcome groups, take care of patients and prepare for an "eye" outreach in July complete with an ophthalmologist!
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Please also keep "Miguel" in your prayers. We had a valuable meeting with a psychiatrist and infectious disease doctor last week in La Vega. We're hoping "Miguel" will make his next visit on his own. A huge answer to prayers came when "Miguel" was able to find a job. Jim and I will continue to work with him on a weekly basis and set life goals. Next step- finding housing.
My biggest prayer for "Miguel" as he starts treatment is that he will remain compliant. He is currently feeling great and asymptomatic, this will probably change as he continues with treatment as we don't have accessibility to the better tolerated HIV meds found in the states. But, I continue to believe in miracles and that "Miguel's" heart changed for Christ will allow him to prevail.
I hope all of you stateside are enjoying warmer weather. :)
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