Martyrs and Doubt

"Anyone who holds onto life just as it is destroys that life. But, if you let it go, reckless in your love, you will have it forever, real and eternal. If any of you want to serve me, then follow me."

Jesus Christ, John 12:25, 26   The Message

Currently, I am reading a book called Jesus Freaks: Martyrs by DC Talk. It is an incredible testament to those who have been placed in the most ruthless situations humanly imaginable. Believers who are so strong in their faith that even when faced with death they would rather die and be tortured than renounce their Christianity.

I can't help but place myself in those situations. At this point, as a missionary God has not called me to testify in a country where I could face a shortened life by believing.  I often feel blessed that I am in a relatively safe place, but then are we truly always called to be "safe?"

I pray that if I am ever in a martyr situation I would without a doubt shout for all to hear that Christ is indeed my Lord and Saviour.   But, I wonder, is my mustard seed like faith truly enough?  The logical-medical-science thinker that I am, the faith God shaped within me.

Shamefully I admit, there are days when I arise and question, is all this stuff truly real?  But then, time after time God reveals himself to me and I breathe easier, "ah, it is You."

And He so graciously reminds me that I am not the only one who has doubts.  Perhaps doubt is a natural part of faith, a tool we may use to strengthen our trust.  Even the disciples had their doubts.  This to me is craaaazy.  After the resurrection, the eleven disciples were in Galilee on the mountain Jesus had instructed them to go.  "When they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some doubted. (Matthew 28:17)."  Jesus was standing there in front of them, in the flesh, and some doubted.

And yet, these same Christ followers were commissioned to "go and make disciples of all nations (Matthew 28:19)."  These same incredible men who doubted our Saviour but continued to follow despite their moments of doubt founded the first church, arguably converted the most believers to Christianity of all time and many became martyrs.

And they were missionaries.  Clothed in the grace of our Lord, they were given His words to speak, His words to share.

So, perhaps I have not yet been placed in a martyr situation because I question and doubt. Or perhaps I am called to support those who are persecuted.   The underground church.   Or Christ desires to work through me in a "safe place," at least in this moment.  Either way, I look forward to my faith continuing to grow.  To rest assured that occasional doubt does not negate who I am- His.  I continue to pray and desire the day I arise every morning, never once questioning but always knowing without a doubt in my mind that contrary to what the secular world teaches, God is very real and more tangible than the palm of my hand.

I pray we each come before our Lord with child-like and martyr-like faith.  Trusting that any of our human failures in faith will be interceded by the Holy Spirit.  I pray that we never lose site of our purpose and boldly proclaiming whose we are, despite those whispers from the evil one trying to lead us astray.  These intrinsic attacks to our Spirit are some of the greatest sins.  Father, I lift these to you.