As God guides, He provides

Happy Holidays friends!  I hope everyone is having a splendid and blessed Holiday season!  Isn't it crazy that 2012 is just around the corner?  I can't believe it!!  If someone had told me in 2009 I wouldn't get to the DR full time until 2012 I would have been super annoyed.  Sometimes not knowing God's time line for us isn't a bad thing!  Especially for someone as impatient as me (not an endearing quality!).

When I left Jarabacoa in July as a newly accepted missionary, the last thing I wanted to do was return to the states and my old life.  I wanted to dig in.  To start my ministry site!!  My mind started racing full of ideas.  None including the following year of fund raising.  Because, let's be real, who wants to fund raise?  As missionaries we just want to jump in.  We want to start loving people.  To start helping people.  To do what  we're called to do.  How can raising money be a part of that?  Seriously?

Oh how silly I am.  Thank goodness I'm not in control.  Thank goodness I didn't just blindly move to the DR.  Thank God I had time of discernment and now this time of fund raising.  Yup.  I said it.  I like fund raising.  And, this is the really crazy one, I like public speaking.  Let me tell you why.

I have the absolute privilege of seeing how the Holy Spirit moves.  I get to one hundred percent trust in Christ in every aspect of my life and watch how my trust is rewarded.  His faithfulness continues to unfold.  A wise missionary once told me (thanks Kim!!) "He brought me to this place and He will not abandon me."  Duh, Rachel.  The fact that at times I doubt the absolute glory and power that Christ has is insane.  He laughs at my monthly expenses.  He smiles at my human doubts that I will ever raise that much money.  He continues to prove me wrong.

And the people I have met through fund raising.  The incredibly giving Christians that I have had the opportunity to sit and speak with.  To share with them how Christ is moving in the DR and in/through my life!!  And people are excited.  How fun it is to speak to people who are excited by my journey!!  Thank you thank you for all of you who believe in my ministry!

I am also learning oh so much.  I don't think I  truly understood what giving meant until now.  Every time I look in my SI account and see a new supporter or faithful continued supporter, I am humbled.  This is not about me.  This is about Him.  This is all about a commission so much greater than I can imagine.  When trying to thank a recent supporter they explained that they believe "As God guides, he provides."  Oh thank you for reminding me of His promise.

And so I leave you with that.  As 2011 closes and 2012 begins, I ask you to contemplate those words.  Follow Christ.  Let Him be the guide.  And trust that He will provide.  Open your hearts and your souls to His word and celebrate another year to enjoy His creation!

Happy New Year!!  XoXo

Hillsong United: You Hold Me Now

On that day when I see 

All that You have for me

When I see You face to face

There surrounded by Your grace

All the fears swept away

In the light of Your embrace

Where Your love is all I need

And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold

In your presence healed and whole

Let the songs of heaven

Rise to You alone

No weeping no hurt of pain

No suffering You hold me now

You hold me now

No darkness no sick or lame

No hiding you hold me now

You hold me now

In this like I will stand

Through my joy and my pain

Knowing there's a greater day

There's a hope that never fails

Where your name is lifted high

And forever praises rise

For the glory of Your name

I'm believing for the day

Where the wars and violence cease

All creations live in peace

Let the songs of heaven

Rise to you alone

For eternity

All my heart will give

All the glory to Your name

This is the song, these are the lyrics I cling to when I think of Jesus.  When I think of the eternity we are blessed to spend with Him.  By His grace alone.  And when I think of Christmas celebrations, this is what it is all about.  Hope everyone is having a wonderful Holiday season!

I am amazed by how God continues to provide.  I sit here with tears in my eyes.  It's happening.  My dream, my passion, my calling.  People believe in what I am doing.  They believe in my ministry.  They are excited to partner with me.  I continue to be blessed in the most unlikely of places.  People who have heard of my ministry from other people and want to help.  A thrift store in Connecticut who donates proceeds to charitable organizations and chose to contribute to my ministry this month.  Christ is moving.  The more I trust the more it comes.  He will provide.  I can say right now that I am almost halfway there.  Wow.  Humbling.  Any doubts I had are put to rest.  He can move mountains, and He will get us where He wants us.

And as I get closer, things are getting harder.  It's funny.  I have been speaking to as many international missionaries as I possibly can and they all had something that was hard for them to leave behind.  I have not truly experienced being sad over leaving a possession behind until this week.  And would you believe it is the most obscure thing.  Not even truly tangible.  I am sad about leaving my cell phone number here in the states.  Not my cell phone, I could care less about that.  But leaving the number I have had since I was 16 and never to have it again.  How will people know to reach me?  That simple number is the primary way people have contacted me for the last 11 years, and in just a few months (6!!! to be exact, crazy!!) it will no longer be associated with my name.  Silly, yea.  Slightly irrational, of course.

Last night I met with my incredible spiritual mentor.  One of the many blessings God has given me to help me on this journey.  And, in addition to feeling sad about leaving my phone number behind, I am feeling more and more guilty and sad at leaving my job.  So, I knew Colette was the person to help me through this, as she has mentored me through so much.

We discussed how being obedient to God costs other people.  The obvious ones are of course my family and friends who I will no longer be a part of their daily lives.  My patients, who I will no longer be caring for.  The church community that I will no longer be a part of.  But, this is the huge struggle that I am dealing with upon planning my departure.  The guilt of knowing how my resignation will affect my attending Physician, 18 months after I was hired, we are a well oiled machine.  But it took a good year to get to that place.  A year of training similar to a fellowship as the world of oncology is so foreign to someone coming from general medicine.

As Colette shared with me last night, I will share with you something from Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest.  "If we obey God, it is going to cost other people more than it costs us, and that is where the pain begins.  If we are in love with our Lord, obedience does not cost us anything-it is a delight.....We can disobey God if we choose, and it will bring immediate relief to the situation, but it will grieve our Lord."

How appropriate.  Of course, my feelings of guilt towards my doc will not replace my obedience to Christ.  But, it doesn't make it any easier.  And if I am going to trust God to lead me on this journey, to provide financial means, companionship, ministry opportunities, etc; don't I have to trust that He will also take care of the practice after I am gone?

That darn trust thing.  I told you that was my greatest struggle.  And God continues to prove me wrong.  My dear friend Hilary about a year ago suggested that I keep a journal filled with answered prayers and "God things" that happen in my life so during my times of distrust I can turn to them.  Fabulous idea.  A book of miracles.  I encourage all of you to do the same.  To have tangible evidence of how trusting Him in the small things result in trusting Him in the big things.

So once again, I begin this week learning how to trust.  To trust that in the pain of my absence Christ will fill the void.  And all those people that feel the cost of my journey will be blessed in some way by our Father.  Because, he does just simply love us.

Messages

I didn't know what a missionary was until I was called to be one.  Truthfully.  I didn't understand what it meant to leave your family and friends and life as you know it to go serve in a foreign culture and country.  I had no concept of what it meant to fund raise.  I didn't understand what it meant to rely on the Holy Spirit to move within people to support your mission.  I had never even met a missionary!

So many have told me not to discount this next year.  This year of preparation and fund raising is a ministry in itself.  How can that be?  I didn't understand then, but I'm beginning to.  I met with a wonderful couple several nights ago to speak about my ministry.  They said something that truly stuck.  In addition to inviting people along for this journey, I can teach people what it means to be a missionary.  It is not horizontal giving (from wallets), it is vertical giving (from God).  It is a blessing to give in the name of Christ to enable people to spread His love and help others.  To help others in a place where they are unable to get help.  Where they are unable to pay for a health care provider, or teacher, or social worker, etc.

I remember before I had a relationship with Christ I didn't understand what people meant when they said God spoke to them.  Now, I find it difficult to believe that there was ever a point in my life when I was oblivious to all of His messages.  I still find that I very naively miss out on some.  But, luckily He keeps trying until I listen.  A very obvious message came to me after meeting with that couple.  The morning after we met, they sent me Philippians 4:18-20.  The importance of this scripture with my current journey is unmistakable.  But, I shrugged it off.  Later that day I sat down to do my devotionals, would you believe that was the exact scripture reading given to me?

"But I have all, and abound: I am full, having received of Epaphroditus the things which were sent from you, an odor of a sweet smell, a sacrifice acceptable, well pleasing to God.  But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.  Now unto God and our Father be glory forever and ever.  Amen."  Philippians 4:18-20

Paul is talking about the wonderful support people were giving to him during his ministry.  He was teaching about the blessings bestowed upon those who generously gave.  The blessing of Christ's joy.  The blessing of peace.  The blessing of taking part in something so much bigger than themselves.

When I feel uncomfortable asking people for money, it is a reminder such as this that keeps me going.  As Christians we are encouraged to support one another.  Through prayer.  Through love.  Through financial means.  He will provide and people will rally together to support His ministry through me.  I have seen this.  As people are generously opening their hearts to the exciting journey I have ahead of me.

And, as I look ahead and get excited to begin, I realize it's already begun.  The beginning is not getting on the plane to Colorado.  I have already started my mission.  And I am thankful for being happy in the here and now.  And so grateful to all of those who have jumped on board and are in for the exciting ride that can only be driven by Christ.

This is not me having a pity party.  Ok, perhaps it is me having a slight pity party.  I spent time with friends last night who are so happy (a beautiful thing).  They are living the single girl dream.  In a great city surrounded by other people their age.  I am so happy for them.  But, my humanity has turned me into an envious person.  I wish that New York City had worked out for me.  That was supposed to be my time.  Time to enjoy life.  To work and live with my best friend.  To meet up with other people my age after work.  To date.  Today, I'm a little angry at God for leading me on this crazy journey.  Why couldn't I have been satisfied with the life I had planned for myself?

And then my Mom spoke her oh so clear words of wisdom.  She pondered whether Jesus ever wished His road could be easier to follow?  That He could indulge in the path of His choice.  Instead of following the path He was destined to lead?

What a crazy thought to think about.  Now, let me be clear when I say I am not comparing my itty bitty missionary life to that of Christ's, although I strife to be more like him everyday.  But, I do wonder.  He was a human.  He knew the path he was on.  I'm sure there were times He thought about a different existence.  But, instead He knew what He had to do.  He knew what His Father called Him to do.

I realize that the DR is my dream.  It is God's dream for me as well.  And once I am there, I will feel the fulfillment I have been looking for.  But, today I let myself be human and be a little sad for the life I will not lead yet trust that the path I am on is so much greater than anything I could have dreamt for myself.