Be Still

"Be still, and know that I am God; Be still, and know that I am God...BE STILL and KNOW that I AM GOD."  Psalm 46:10


These words of reassurance from our Heavenly Father are being repeated over and over again in my head.  I am grasping to them because today I am floundering.

This week begins my sixth in the DR.  The honeymoon is over.  I have already surpassed the amount of time I have spent in this country prior to moving here.  This is my home now.  I no longer have a job or a place in the states, this is my place.  Then, why does it just not feel right, natural and normal....to my frame of reference?

Since I last wrote I have completed three full weeks of Spanish, Julian continues to heal, I have taught a CPR class to missionaries, I cared for a sick SI Dominican employee who needed to be hospitalized and then did a follow up home visit and I cared for Inesa (Yocasta's daughter) who stuck her hand in a fan.  And I haven't even started my medical site. 

Needed I am.  But anywhere has need.  I think I have made it through chaos but am entering into "re-settlement," which I truthfully find a little more uncomfortable.  Moving was insane.  I knew the emotions I was feeling at that time.  But, right now?  I have days where I am on top of this world...surreal to be here.  But then there's days like today.  Days where I don't understand why Dominicans do certain things.  Nights where I am up at 1 am battling cockroaches in my room, my space.

And, at the risk of sounding whiny, I miss convenience.  I miss having a big enough refrigerator to hold food for several days instead of having to go to the veggie market daily.  I miss having an oven or microwave to cook in.  I miss having veggie burgers and food that doesn't take forever to make.  I miss having radio stations I understand or brands of food I recognize.  I miss comprehending every word spoken to me or walking down the street without being gawked at or whistled to.  I miss understanding the culture I live in. 

But, most of all I miss my "people."  Saturday is my birthday.  Just 28, not a big deal.  But 28 without my friends and family.  I have wonderful support here from other missionaries but it's still not the same.  I will miss hearing my birth story from my Mom or traveling to the city to spend a dinner and night out with friends.

You see, we all have days when we turn to God and say "really?"  This morning, I wrestled with him as tears stung behind my eyes challenging him to remove these feelings I have.  Haven't I given enough?  Why do I have to hurt and feel inadequate too?  And I know that hurting has just begun.  I already have missed a college friends wedding, what other life events will go on without me?

And then I am reminded that He knows how I feel.  That I am not alone.  Ever.  That I need to "be still and know that He is God."  That He left things behind too.  That He asks for our best and when we've given all we can His Spirit will carry us.  That He works through us best when we are on the floor, crying out to him.

I am stinking at being a good servant, and for that I am ashamed.  But, I am trusting that He is with me and will not abandon me.  This is where He wants me.  I need to surrender all my inadequacies, feelings of sadness, missing home and question marks to Him.  And that is where He will work.

Please pray for me to love on all the Dominicans I encounter, whether I understand their culture or language.  Please pray that I may have patience on myself as acclimating to a new place, let alone culture, takes time.  And pray that I may learn the language I need to serve these beautiful people better.