This morning I sit rocking on my porch, eating a sweet mango, reading through the gospels and reflecting on the last three months of intense ministry. Some times I find myself wondering whether reflection is truly a healthy thing. It is good to learn from our choices but in the same regard it can be oh so painful to see our down falls.
Recently, I wrote an email to a dear friend and mentor and was finally able to identify the sour taste I had in my mouth about this summer. My plate was so full (all with things I am incredibly passionate about) that I wasn't able to give my best and do an incredible job, in fact, in anything. I shamefully admit, I just barely got by.
I've shared about the illness we had with students...when at one point I had more than 40 sick participants over a weekend. I myself was sick with an amoeba. I have been trying to study for my boards (Sept 11). My roommate and I led the intern bible study and mentored three more intensely. I had a two week eye clinic in which we saw more than 600 patients. And I began a new branch to my ministry working with the shoe shine and street guys in town. I was the director of a dear friend (and fellow missionary's wedding) and we hosted past interns through all the wedding festivities. All this while continuing my regular clinics.
I hate feeling like a failure. But, as the summer wrapped up and I said goodbye to the interns, thought about the 18 participants who served in my site and realized how tired I continue to be, I can't help but pray that God's sovereignty shone through all my inadequacies.
Last summer, my site was new, missionaries in town didn't know I existed, my patient load was low and interns were an added bonus to my ministry. This summer, my clinics have become so busy I never seem to have quite enough time to pour into the students and patients that I once did. Let alone adequately disciple interns in the way I felt they deserved. Thankfully, God is sending me two nurses and hopefully a volunteer in 2015 that will allow us to give both the participants and students the attention they deserve. Because, I am truly here for both.
This summer I have also found that God has ignited a new passion in my heart through Marcos and has given me the opportunity to work with some of the street boys in town. It started with one but is growing as Jim (missionary starting a site for the shoe shine boys) and I realize what an incredible conduit medicine can be and how many physical ailments those living on the streets suffer. In the fall I hope to devote more time to them and will add a clinic day for them to my schedule.
I'm proud to say my site currently serves Dominicans, Haitians, street kids, those with physical and mental disabilities and missionaries in 7 different communities and a special needs school.
And on July 27th I celebrated my two year anniversary of living in country. Amazing. Baby steps to get to where I am. Perhaps reflection isn't awful and maybe God's sovereignty has shown through all my inadequacies after all? As more participants work with Fernando and I and discover their passions. As patients are healed through the gospel and physical ailments have become controlled. And I see past nursing students begin to make their mark on this world.
The front of my journal is inscribed with the famous words God spoke to the prophet Jeremiah.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Yes, I can say in the short term (the past 3 months) I don't feel as if I was as successful as I hoped. But thank the Lord success in heaven is not the same as our human standards.
And so, perhaps instead of thinking of how stretched I felt this summer, I will think of the doors God has opened over the past two years and the way that hopefully His glory has shown through all of my shortcomings.
And I will embrace the newness of autumn and the fresh opportunities it will bring.
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