I am amazed by how God continues to provide.  I sit here with tears in my eyes.  It's happening.  My dream, my passion, my calling.  People believe in what I am doing.  They believe in my ministry.  They are excited to partner with me.  I continue to be blessed in the most unlikely of places.  People who have heard of my ministry from other people and want to help.  A thrift store in Connecticut who donates proceeds to charitable organizations and chose to contribute to my ministry this month.  Christ is moving.  The more I trust the more it comes.  He will provide.  I can say right now that I am almost halfway there.  Wow.  Humbling.  Any doubts I had are put to rest.  He can move mountains, and He will get us where He wants us.

And as I get closer, things are getting harder.  It's funny.  I have been speaking to as many international missionaries as I possibly can and they all had something that was hard for them to leave behind.  I have not truly experienced being sad over leaving a possession behind until this week.  And would you believe it is the most obscure thing.  Not even truly tangible.  I am sad about leaving my cell phone number here in the states.  Not my cell phone, I could care less about that.  But leaving the number I have had since I was 16 and never to have it again.  How will people know to reach me?  That simple number is the primary way people have contacted me for the last 11 years, and in just a few months (6!!! to be exact, crazy!!) it will no longer be associated with my name.  Silly, yea.  Slightly irrational, of course.

Last night I met with my incredible spiritual mentor.  One of the many blessings God has given me to help me on this journey.  And, in addition to feeling sad about leaving my phone number behind, I am feeling more and more guilty and sad at leaving my job.  So, I knew Colette was the person to help me through this, as she has mentored me through so much.

We discussed how being obedient to God costs other people.  The obvious ones are of course my family and friends who I will no longer be a part of their daily lives.  My patients, who I will no longer be caring for.  The church community that I will no longer be a part of.  But, this is the huge struggle that I am dealing with upon planning my departure.  The guilt of knowing how my resignation will affect my attending Physician, 18 months after I was hired, we are a well oiled machine.  But it took a good year to get to that place.  A year of training similar to a fellowship as the world of oncology is so foreign to someone coming from general medicine.

As Colette shared with me last night, I will share with you something from Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest.  "If we obey God, it is going to cost other people more than it costs us, and that is where the pain begins.  If we are in love with our Lord, obedience does not cost us anything-it is a delight.....We can disobey God if we choose, and it will bring immediate relief to the situation, but it will grieve our Lord."

How appropriate.  Of course, my feelings of guilt towards my doc will not replace my obedience to Christ.  But, it doesn't make it any easier.  And if I am going to trust God to lead me on this journey, to provide financial means, companionship, ministry opportunities, etc; don't I have to trust that He will also take care of the practice after I am gone?

That darn trust thing.  I told you that was my greatest struggle.  And God continues to prove me wrong.  My dear friend Hilary about a year ago suggested that I keep a journal filled with answered prayers and "God things" that happen in my life so during my times of distrust I can turn to them.  Fabulous idea.  A book of miracles.  I encourage all of you to do the same.  To have tangible evidence of how trusting Him in the small things result in trusting Him in the big things.

So once again, I begin this week learning how to trust.  To trust that in the pain of my absence Christ will fill the void.  And all those people that feel the cost of my journey will be blessed in some way by our Father.  Because, he does just simply love us.