What kind of a healthcare provider do I want to be?

"Si a albino de ustedes le falta sabiduría, pídasela a Dios, y él la dará, pues Dios da a todas generosamente, sin menospreciar a nadie."  Santiago 1:5

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:5

Do you ever go through those times when you feel like God just doesn't stop talking???  He just continues to convict and convict and convict you of shortcomings, of ways to serve Him better and of who we are supposed to be in Him.

I have a confession.  Right now I am not practicing the kind of medicine I had dreamed of practicing. And this week, God reminded me of the dreams He had once placed so intricately in my heart.

Don't get me wrong.  I am grateful that He has led me to open clinics in five consistent communities.  That after months of working I have regular patients.  And that as each day goes by my Spanish continues to improve which enables me to speak more consistently and deeper with each patient.

Ok then.  I no longer have an excuse.  To not go deeper.

I spent Friday morning in El Callejon.  A predominantly Dominican campo filled with poverty, unemployment, alcoholism, single moms and hopelessness.  Within that community lives a couple Haitian families.

And we sat with one of those families.  And we listened.  And they shared with us their story.  Their hardships.  Their fears.  Their sadness.  Their concerns.  And we prayed.

They've lived in the DR for more than 5 years.  They moved here because in Haiti they were hungry.  They had no money or hope of making money.  And so they were smuggled across the border and took a job in a green house.

And now they are no longer starving, but they are poor.  And hungry.  And live in fear everyday from their neighbors.  You see, there is a long history of racism between Dominicans and Haitians.  Stemming from the oppression from various political leaders, unequilibrium of resources on the island, cultural and religious differences among other complexities.

One night, when the head of the household was walking home from work alone, he was beat up and de-clothed by a gang of Dominicans.  In his own neighborhood.  And each day, this beautiful family lives in fear of being hurt again.

And I was shocked.  I knew racial differences were heavy.  I knew things like this happened, but I never had a face to a story like this.  A person.  A family.  And so with tears stinging my eyes I thought about how long I have now lived in the DR (almost 1 year!) and never once have felt unsafe in that manner.  Why?  Because I am white.  Because of the color of my skin and the location of my birth.  Things I had zero control over.

After hearing this story, I asked them what would help the racial tensions between Dominicans and Haitians.  And they had one word.  The only answer.  God.

And I was convicted.  Convicted of how I have been spending the past 7 months bringing clinics to communities that have none.  And bringing medicines to those people.  And praying with them.  But, is that enough?  Is that truly what a community health care missionary looks like??  Simply supplying a clinic and medicine?

Do I care about the huge amount of people I help a little, or the little amount of people I could help a lot?  

When God placed the desire to help people in a developing country on my heart, I dreamed of sitting with people for hours.  Of teaching them about medicine and how to help themselves.  Of learning their children by name.  Of listening to their hardships.  And have I done this?  Yes, some.  But not nearly enough.

I admit that my desire to have a well and smoothly run clinic has trumped living deeper into my patient's lives.  I haven't loved them as deeply as Christ does.  I haven't always walked to their houses to follow up on their high blood pressure when I haven't seen them at my clinics in a few weeks.  Instead, I have been overwhelmed by the patients sitting and waiting to see me outside my clinic.  Yes, partially there is not enough of me to go around.  But, I wonder if instead of adding new communities to my schedule, I focus more on the communities I am already in?  

And live deeper into those patient's lives.  And walk with them.  And learn why they don't understand how to take their medicine.  What deep seated problem has caused them to be alcoholics?  To talk to them.  To truly care.  And speak about how the only true solution to all of our problems is Jesus Christ.

And so, stay tuned as God continues to change my heart and my clinics become more personal.  And my patients stories become real life.  And, hopefully I become more like the medical missionary God has called me to be.