......truly that simple??

"Enjoy serving the Lord, and he will give you what you want."  Psalm 37: 4

"When we submit to God's plans, we can trust our desires.  Our assignment is found at the intersection of God's plan and our pleasures.  What do you love to do?  What brings you joy?  What gives you a sense of satisfaction?
Some long to feed the poor.  Others enjoy leading the church.....Each of us has been made to serve God in a unique way....
The longings of your heart, then, are not incidental; they are critical messages.  The desires of your heart are not to be ignored; they are to be consulted.  As the wind turns the weather vane, so God uses your passions to turn your life.  God is too gracious to ask you to do something you hate."
    from Grace For The Moment by Max Lucado


Is it really that simple?  Following our Lord is following the will he has placed within our heart?  To trust that which he has placed so strongly at the depths of our being that we are unable to ignore?

I had a tough couple of weeks.  I have been living in the now.  Which I suppose isn't such a bad thing considering I will still be in the states for almost another year.  But, it is a change in pace since the past few months have been all about the DR.  Perhaps because I know I will be there in Fall of 2012 I don't feel the need to spend countless hours longing to understand this next step. 

For the first time last week I felt fear.  I continued to experience an all consuming peace and understanding that this is indeed the next step, but fear enveloped my thoughts.  Interestingly, not fear of the DR but all I have to do before arriving.  Fear that people will not believe in my ministry and financial support will not come.  Fear of going from a lucrative career to one fully relying on Him to provide.  Fear of mission training school, that I don't have the biblical knowledge all the other missionaries will have.  Fear of leaving home and my parents behind.  Fear of walking away from a job I love.  But most of all, fear of going to Guatemala for language school.  Learning foreign languages does not come easily to me.  I have studied Latin, French and Spanish.  I can barely tell you how to say "hello" in any of them.  Not my forte.  I am scared of living in Guatemala.  The DR has become a second home to me.  I am very comfortable there.  But Guatemala is a whole nother realm.  What are the people like?  Will they be welcoming?  As I stumble through one of the biggest challenges I will face, learning Spanish?

I hate being afraid.  I truly felt my fear was coming between my relationship with Christ.  I spent a good portion of last weekend in devotion.  Remarkably I felt little consolation.  Until Tuesday.  He answers.  Tuesday morning at work, I had a new patient.  She brought a translator because she only spoke Spanish.  I was so excited to have my first Spanish speaking patient in Poughkeepsie (after over a year of practicing here).  In the Bronx at Montefiore I was surrounded by many Dominicans and Puerto Ricans but not in the suburbs.  Probably the only thing I miss about working in the Bronx.  As I step into my exam room an incredible sound of Spanish filled the air.  I asked where my patient is from.  But of course Guatemala, and she was lovely.  And I found peace.  Once again.  He answers.  Trust Rachel.  Trust.

This past week was the hardest I have experienced since specializing in Oncology.  I am privileged to spend an immense amount of time with my patients and their families.  We become such an intimate part of each other's lives.  I have hundreds of patients, but about 8-10 who are acutely ill requiring chemo to keep them alive.  They are the ones I become incredibly close to.  On Monday I admitted two of those patients to the hospital and on Thursday I discharged one on Hospice and unexpectedly the other passed away.  To love a patient and lose them is heartbreaking.  But all in one day.  Such heartache.  And through the sadness He was there.  I was able to be with my patient's family right after he passed.  What a blessing to share that time with them.  To express to them how much he had meant to me. 

People often ask how I can practice in oncology, isn't it sad?  My answer is quite simple.  I believe in a God who loves my patients more than I.  He works through my hands and when it is their time, He takes them.  To a place far away from the pain and agony they have endured.  I believe in heaven and that my patients are in the place He has created for them.  They are with the ultimate healer and have been healed.  They are at last at peace.  But yes how I miss them.

I hope this evening finds you all at peace.  If I could ask you to please keep me in your prayers.  Prayers as I am beginning this journey.  To trust and follow in his steps.