Imperfection?

I passed.  In so many ways I feel as light as a butterfly.  I don't need to worry about medical tests or boards for 10 years.

But through my studying and preparations I saw how ugly my heart can be.  As PAs we have more than one opportunity to take our boards...I think it may be something like five times.  But, due to my incredibly public life, taking my exam didn't just slip under the radar like other PAs.  No I had to apply for a leave from my international job, fly home, study and take the test.  Without any board preparation.

And yet, my greatest concern wasn't that I pass for myself or my patients, but that I wouldn't have to admit to seemingly the entire world that I failed.  My supporters who believe in my skills and my patients who are receptors of my knowledge.

I also realized how much of my identity is in grades and doing well in things.  Ugly.  I was so confronted with this reality that I was almost positive that I would fail so that I needed to admit to the world imperfection.

But then, that is not the God we serve.  We serve a God who honors His call on our lives.  And provides us with the resources needed to do that.  For me, my license.

And so, I thank Him.  For carrying me when I was tired.  For helping information to permeate into my brain and then allowing me to retrieve it when needed.  And for continuing to shape my flaws.  My ugliness.  And any part of my identity that fails to be focused on Him alone.

Once again....I am always learning....