I sit before you in tears.  I've been waiting for them to arrive.  I thought they would come as I was saying goodbye to my college roommates.  Or goodbye to my patients.  Or goodbye to my doctor.  But, they didn't.  I wouldn't let them.  But, now as I sit alone on a Tuesday morning in my childhood bedroom completely overwhelmed by His mercy, grace and provision they come.

Matt Redman plays on my ipad.  His words resonate so clearly within my heart.  "The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning.  It's time to sing Your song again.  Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me.  Let me be singing when the evening comes."

I shamefully admit that I have forgotten.  My eyes have lost the focus.  The vision of what this is all about.  I got caught up once again in what I am doing, instead of what He is doing.  As I continue speaking about all the patients I hope to help, I become entirely overwhelmed.  What difference can I truly make?  But, then a gentle reminder that when I said Yes Lord, I will follow you to the Dominican He didn't ask me to do it alone.  He will be with me.  As I continue the goodbyes.  As I travel the northeast visiting friends.  As I go to Mission Training with other missionaries who I'm sure are much farther in their walk than I.  As I depart for the DR.  He will be there.  He will not abandon me.  Not now, not ever.  It is Him that will work, I just have to let Him.

Last Tuesday was the hardest day so far.  I said goodbye to my Tuesday patients.  The patients that for some reason all fall on the same day whom I have seen every week for two years.  The patients that break my heart to be leaving.  And they humbled me with their tears, their love and their support.  I ended the day angry.  Doubting this journey.  Feeling as though my patients here desperately need me!

And then, I step outside to this

Look closely, do you see it??  The most vibrant rainbow I have ever seen.  I felt as if it was placed just for me.  And God reminded me

"When the rainbow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth." Genesis 9:16

We serve such a faithful God.  One who cares about us and our feelings.  Even sadness when following His will.  That is what I am grasping.  His rainbow.  His promise.  Our Father.

Last night I was once again reminded how many wonderful people are taking this journey with me and believe in the work Christ is/will be doing in the DR.  There is an incredible girls youth Christ Care group at our church led by a faithful teenager (Shannon Herrmann) who as their mission project decided to make a quilt.  With the help of two incredible women (Beth Lazarro and Colette Varanouskas) a beautiful quilt was made.  This wonderful  group decided to sell raffle tickets and give all proceeds to my patients.  They raised $1050!!  Funds I can use to buy medications and supplies for patients that may otherwise be unable to afford them.  I am so profoundly overwhelmed by their hard work and love for people they have never met.  This is Christ working.

Isn't it beautiful???

Friends, we serve such a glorious God.  Don't forget.  I won't.

"Bless the Lord oh my soul, worship His Holy Name, Sing like never before, oh my soul.  Lord I worship your Holy name." Matt Redman

"But as for me, I will look to the Lord, I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me."  

Micah 7:7

Yesterday was a gift.  Hilary, my dear friend who is fundraising as a missionary with Mexican Medical Ministries is home and spoke at HRC yesterday!  It was so amazing to support her and watch how Christ is working in her life to help the kids at Gabriel House.

Hilary speaking at HRC, our incredible Pastor Taylor Holbrook
 (her Dad) supporting her!!  :)

me, Lourdes Kleid, Hilary

THEN!!!  Last night we both spoke at an amazing Spanish speaking church in Mt. Kisko.  You may remember a blog post I wrote in Nov 2011 about this amazing congregation filled with new believers.  It was such a whirlwind speaking together.  Never would we have thought a year ago, when we were both living at home questioning the path Christ was leading us on that we would both be serving in the countries that weigh so heavily on our hearts!  And, Lourdes (our incredible youth leader) was/is our biggest support and translated for me!  Can't wait to speak at that church next year...in Espanol!

Sometimes it amazes me how time just simply flies by.  It has been 2 weeks since my last blog entry!  And, for once my absence in the blog-o-sphere isn't because things are mundane and life is just ticking along but because things have just been so crazy and wonderful and overwhelming.  And oh, have prayers been answered.

Many of you who have traveled this time of discernment and  fundraising with me know my biggest angst was leaving the practice I love and our patients.  I have spent many hours in prayer, questioning God whether moving to the DR was truly where he wanted me.  After all, I am in a job I love and in a position where I am helping people.  But, with each prayer Christ made it abundantly clear that his desire for me is to be a medical missionary in the Dominican Republic.

Ok, so then my prayer changed.  I prayed for my patients and practice after I left.  And, I never could have imagined what happened next.  This past week my employers were gracious enough to take me out to dinner as a goodbye and a celebration.  I brought with me my fundraising photo album filled with my story.  That dinner lasted for 3 hours and was filled with laughter and joy.  At the end they handed me the most beautiful card, that left me in tears.  My doctor, who has taught me everything I know, who I respect immensely and who is single handedly being affected the most by my departure GOT IT!  And supported me.  I left that night filled with God's provision and love.  A direct answer to prayer, in a greater way then I could ever have dreamt.

The following morning was tumor board, a multi-disciplinary cancer conference we attend with other medical oncologists, surgeons, radiologists, radiation oncologists and pathologists.  My doctor stood up during the conference and presented my resignation and departure in the most beautiful words and with a true humanitarians heart.  He challenged all the doctors and medical community in that room to stand behind me and support my cause.  To donate any equipment, medical supplies, money or resources.  And how they embraced what he was saying.  At the end I found myself surrounded by my colleagues asking if they could volunteer their time.  Imagine!  A team of surgeons coming to the remote villages I will be serving???!!!  Afterwards, we went to the President of the hospital's office and the PR department.  They encouraged me to write an article for the hospital and Physician's monthly newsletter.

Friends, this is getting so much larger than my pea-brain little head ever could have imagined.  Blessings and provisions are pouring out.

As if that wasn't enough, I was placed back in touch with a huge childhood church mentor.  The DR has been on her heart for the last couple years (unbeknownst to myself) and when she hear about my ministry, she committed to the last bit of monthly support I needed.  That's right.  I have reached my monthly goal.  It is truly happening!  Dios es bueno!!

We are so blessed to serve a mighty God, filled with love and provision.  I am proof of that.  I am privileged to have a front row seat to his miracles.  I thank each and every one of you for the huge part you are playing in this crazy journey!  Xo

This has been quite a week.  In so many ways.  Friends, it is beginning.  The lasts.  The goodbyes.  And this week I crumbled a bit.  Last weekend I spent time with a dear PA friend who lives in DC....and said goodbye. Wednesday I had my last guitar lesson.  And Tuesday marked May 1st.  May.  The month before June, which of course is the month before July.  July that so easily slipped off my tongue as my departure date when it was so many months away.  But July that is only two months away and is the end of a life filled with friends and family I love.  Not to mention my patients.  And so, there were moments of feeling overwhelmed and crazy and maybe a few tears.

But then, this morning I spent time perusing Amazon for books on tropical medicine, parasites and infectious diseases.  Which happens to be my favorite subject.  Topics I loved long before becoming a PA.  Admittedly I tell you that at 19 when other young girls were reading tabloids, you could find me in Barnes and Noble looking for the most hideous pictures of infectious diseases I could find.  Nerd, perhaps.  BUT!!!  Guess what type of medicine I will be practicing in the DR???  Just a small thing that ignites a smile to my face.

I'm sure this is a small window into how the next several months will be.  The ups and downs.  Exciting things with sadness attached.  Sometimes I wish I could skip to a year from now.  When I hopefully will have a descent understanding of the Dominican language and cultural.  My ministry site and clinic will be up and running.  And the goodbyes will be over.  But, I know I'm in good hands and look forward to sharing lasts and firsts with all of you!

XoXo  

Well. My first patient found out. I mean, it was bound to happen. I just can't believe no one found out until now, I certainly haven't been fundraising quietly! In fact, I'm fairly certain I've been as loud as I can be! And it was a patient I was certain would not handle my departure well as he is fairly attached. But, as so much through this journey, our conversation went very smoothly. He could not stop telling me how exciting it was! He was sad for my patients here, but he "got it."

Ok, I decided, it's time to start telling other patients. So I tried it out on another. This is a very faithful woman who I see on an every 3 month basis. All I said was "I have accepted the opportunity to be a medical missionary in the Dominican Republic" and she started crying, actually sobbing. I was a little confused. We have a great relationship but she isn't as attached to me as my chemo patients who I see on a weekly basis. Finally she composed herself and she said "God is just so good, isn't he?" And then, I started crying. So often people tell me how great I am, how awesome it is what I am doing. I really struggle with this. It is not what I'm doing, but how Christ is working in my life. And she completely got it. A pat on the back for the one who really deserves the recognition. So I guess I shall just move forward with my goodbyes.

Sometimes, if you keep your eyes open, we are privileged to be witnesses to the love of God that can only be as such. This happened to me several wks ago and I have not been able to stop thinking of how powerful that can be. I pray that I may love with such intensity and without reservation as this incredibly humble couple I met while in Mexico two weeks ago.

They couldn't possibly be much older than me. He in school for counseling, she a church secretary. They met several years ago through Young life. Being brought together through God's grace. They married and dreamed of the life they would have together, not sure children fit in that picture. Then they were led to Gabriel House. They fell in love with the incredible work devoted Christians were doing in the lives of these parent-less children. And oh they returned, multiple times. Their hearts breaking for what breaks His.

And then came the unthinkable, and they listened. And they followed without reservation. God spoke to the heart of this faithful woman. She was meant to mother one of these children. A small, speechless, wheelchair bound, severely disabled child. Probably only 8 or 9 years old. With a smile that could light up a room and eyes that could melt your heart. This young couple did not say no. They did not challenge or question God. They accepted His gift and are in the process of adopting her. They are fully aware how their lives will change. They know the financial cost. They understand that she needs 24/7 care. They are well aware that free time will no longer be free, that vacations will not be like a "normal" family's vacation. But they don't care. They love this child. They see her as a gift. They are willing to take sacrifices, that they may not even see as sacrifices.

Wow. I wish I could say that if God asked me to adopt a child with severe disabilities at the age of 27 I would be obedient, but I just dont know if I would be. I would probably run away and try to foolishly hide from our creator that we can truly never hide from. But, how blessed am I to be a witness to this kind of obedience and love. The secular world may call their decision insane. The Christian world, living like Jesus. I hope that I live a life that appears insane, but resembles the call of insanity and love Christ demands of us. I pray that we all take a step into obedience and love, in whatever form that may take. And that we may continue to grow in our faith and on this journey in a way that deepens our faith and allows us to live radically.

Ah, the day between Good Friday and Easter.  A day between arguably the two most important days on the Christian calendar.  A day that I find myself sandwiched between my mom and brother flying cross-continental from San Diego back to NY.  I have to admit, after traveling so much by myself the past couple of years it sure is nice to be in a row with people i know.  It makes using the restroom a little less annoying.  Ha.


This past year was a big one in my family with a 35th wedding anniversary, Jamie's 30th birthday and my parents 60th.  We thought the best way to celebrate was to take a family vacation.  It could not have come at a better time.  Friends, I have been quite weary and tired.  Overwhelmed with fundraising and emotionally charged as I lost two more patients in the month of March.  And as usual, timing works out as it should and rest was given.

Mission Beach, San Diego, CA
Me, Dad, Mom, Jamie

We spent this past week in a beautiful house between Mission Bay and the Pacific Ocean with daily devotions by the ocean, walks and bike rides on the bay and boardwalk, touristy stuff like the zoo and harbor cruise, and lots of family time.  Surely a blessing.

Mission Beach

San Diego Bay
Me and Jamie

Surfers at sunset

I also had the opportunity to spend a ton of time with my dear friend Hilary, a rock in my life.  A friend who listens without reservation to Christ's call in her life and whose experiences over the last couple of years have eerily paralleled mine.

Hilary has a gift with people who have disabilities.  Three years ago when she was graduating college she decided to spend a year in Mexico as a missionary working at an incredible place called Gabriel House, filled with beautiful children who are orphans and have disabilities.  After that year she moved home to Poughkeepsie and we had a glorious year of discernment together, both pulled to different countries but hearts so yearning to help Gods children.  Hilary moved to San Diego in September and has received her undeniable call back to Gabriel House, and I had the privilege of spending two days with her in this oasis.

Getting Tamales in Ensenada, Mexico
Me and Hilary

Walking down the dirt road on the outskirts of Ensenada, Mexico Gabriel House doesn't look like much.  A small concrete building behind a tall metal fence.  But as you get closer you hear the shrieks and laughter of children playing.  And as you open the gate, 34 precious children with severe disabilities look up and smile with pure joy as their Hilary has come to visit.  Someone who sees them for who they are. Who loves them without reservation.  The job of a parent perhaps, but a parent is not something these children have.  We spent the day loving them.  Giving them the individual attention they so rarely receive.  I was so very overwhelmed, as many people are, at the work being done for these children in a place such as Mexico that just doesn't have the resources we in the states do.

And I couldn't help but be reminded of how similar this scenario is to Christ.  We are all broken.  Physically, emotionally, materialistically, cognitively.  It doesn't matter in what way.  We are all broken.  Each of us.  We hunger to overcome these faults, but truly there is only one person who has, is and ever will.  And He always loves us, unconditionally.  Through this Easter weekend I am continually reminded of the eternal sacrifice  that was made for us by someone who was so human.  Human.  We forget how human Christ was.  The past few days I have read the crucifixion in each of the gospels and I couldn't get over how in each version, Jesus cries out to his father "not my will, but thy will."

Thy will.  That is my prayer for each of us through Easter.  That we not only remember the sacrifice that was made for us, but that we always try to follow His will instead of our own.  Keeping the main thing the main thing.  I struggle with this everyday, as I try so hard to guide my life and worry about the next couple months.  This is not about us, none of this.  And oh will He provide.  As He already did so many years ago on the hill of Calvary.

I pray that you all have a wonderful Easter surrounded by love and reminders of the true meaning of this day.