As God guides, He provides

Happy Holidays friends!  I hope everyone is having a splendid and blessed Holiday season!  Isn't it crazy that 2012 is just around the corner?  I can't believe it!!  If someone had told me in 2009 I wouldn't get to the DR full time until 2012 I would have been super annoyed.  Sometimes not knowing God's time line for us isn't a bad thing!  Especially for someone as impatient as me (not an endearing quality!).

When I left Jarabacoa in July as a newly accepted missionary, the last thing I wanted to do was return to the states and my old life.  I wanted to dig in.  To start my ministry site!!  My mind started racing full of ideas.  None including the following year of fund raising.  Because, let's be real, who wants to fund raise?  As missionaries we just want to jump in.  We want to start loving people.  To start helping people.  To do what  we're called to do.  How can raising money be a part of that?  Seriously?

Oh how silly I am.  Thank goodness I'm not in control.  Thank goodness I didn't just blindly move to the DR.  Thank God I had time of discernment and now this time of fund raising.  Yup.  I said it.  I like fund raising.  And, this is the really crazy one, I like public speaking.  Let me tell you why.

I have the absolute privilege of seeing how the Holy Spirit moves.  I get to one hundred percent trust in Christ in every aspect of my life and watch how my trust is rewarded.  His faithfulness continues to unfold.  A wise missionary once told me (thanks Kim!!) "He brought me to this place and He will not abandon me."  Duh, Rachel.  The fact that at times I doubt the absolute glory and power that Christ has is insane.  He laughs at my monthly expenses.  He smiles at my human doubts that I will ever raise that much money.  He continues to prove me wrong.

And the people I have met through fund raising.  The incredibly giving Christians that I have had the opportunity to sit and speak with.  To share with them how Christ is moving in the DR and in/through my life!!  And people are excited.  How fun it is to speak to people who are excited by my journey!!  Thank you thank you for all of you who believe in my ministry!

I am also learning oh so much.  I don't think I  truly understood what giving meant until now.  Every time I look in my SI account and see a new supporter or faithful continued supporter, I am humbled.  This is not about me.  This is about Him.  This is all about a commission so much greater than I can imagine.  When trying to thank a recent supporter they explained that they believe "As God guides, he provides."  Oh thank you for reminding me of His promise.

And so I leave you with that.  As 2011 closes and 2012 begins, I ask you to contemplate those words.  Follow Christ.  Let Him be the guide.  And trust that He will provide.  Open your hearts and your souls to His word and celebrate another year to enjoy His creation!

Happy New Year!!  XoXo

Hillsong United: You Hold Me Now

On that day when I see 

All that You have for me

When I see You face to face

There surrounded by Your grace

All the fears swept away

In the light of Your embrace

Where Your love is all I need

And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold

In your presence healed and whole

Let the songs of heaven

Rise to You alone

No weeping no hurt of pain

No suffering You hold me now

You hold me now

No darkness no sick or lame

No hiding you hold me now

You hold me now

In this like I will stand

Through my joy and my pain

Knowing there's a greater day

There's a hope that never fails

Where your name is lifted high

And forever praises rise

For the glory of Your name

I'm believing for the day

Where the wars and violence cease

All creations live in peace

Let the songs of heaven

Rise to you alone

For eternity

All my heart will give

All the glory to Your name

This is the song, these are the lyrics I cling to when I think of Jesus.  When I think of the eternity we are blessed to spend with Him.  By His grace alone.  And when I think of Christmas celebrations, this is what it is all about.  Hope everyone is having a wonderful Holiday season!

I am amazed by how God continues to provide.  I sit here with tears in my eyes.  It's happening.  My dream, my passion, my calling.  People believe in what I am doing.  They believe in my ministry.  They are excited to partner with me.  I continue to be blessed in the most unlikely of places.  People who have heard of my ministry from other people and want to help.  A thrift store in Connecticut who donates proceeds to charitable organizations and chose to contribute to my ministry this month.  Christ is moving.  The more I trust the more it comes.  He will provide.  I can say right now that I am almost halfway there.  Wow.  Humbling.  Any doubts I had are put to rest.  He can move mountains, and He will get us where He wants us.

And as I get closer, things are getting harder.  It's funny.  I have been speaking to as many international missionaries as I possibly can and they all had something that was hard for them to leave behind.  I have not truly experienced being sad over leaving a possession behind until this week.  And would you believe it is the most obscure thing.  Not even truly tangible.  I am sad about leaving my cell phone number here in the states.  Not my cell phone, I could care less about that.  But leaving the number I have had since I was 16 and never to have it again.  How will people know to reach me?  That simple number is the primary way people have contacted me for the last 11 years, and in just a few months (6!!! to be exact, crazy!!) it will no longer be associated with my name.  Silly, yea.  Slightly irrational, of course.

Last night I met with my incredible spiritual mentor.  One of the many blessings God has given me to help me on this journey.  And, in addition to feeling sad about leaving my phone number behind, I am feeling more and more guilty and sad at leaving my job.  So, I knew Colette was the person to help me through this, as she has mentored me through so much.

We discussed how being obedient to God costs other people.  The obvious ones are of course my family and friends who I will no longer be a part of their daily lives.  My patients, who I will no longer be caring for.  The church community that I will no longer be a part of.  But, this is the huge struggle that I am dealing with upon planning my departure.  The guilt of knowing how my resignation will affect my attending Physician, 18 months after I was hired, we are a well oiled machine.  But it took a good year to get to that place.  A year of training similar to a fellowship as the world of oncology is so foreign to someone coming from general medicine.

As Colette shared with me last night, I will share with you something from Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest.  "If we obey God, it is going to cost other people more than it costs us, and that is where the pain begins.  If we are in love with our Lord, obedience does not cost us anything-it is a delight.....We can disobey God if we choose, and it will bring immediate relief to the situation, but it will grieve our Lord."

How appropriate.  Of course, my feelings of guilt towards my doc will not replace my obedience to Christ.  But, it doesn't make it any easier.  And if I am going to trust God to lead me on this journey, to provide financial means, companionship, ministry opportunities, etc; don't I have to trust that He will also take care of the practice after I am gone?

That darn trust thing.  I told you that was my greatest struggle.  And God continues to prove me wrong.  My dear friend Hilary about a year ago suggested that I keep a journal filled with answered prayers and "God things" that happen in my life so during my times of distrust I can turn to them.  Fabulous idea.  A book of miracles.  I encourage all of you to do the same.  To have tangible evidence of how trusting Him in the small things result in trusting Him in the big things.

So once again, I begin this week learning how to trust.  To trust that in the pain of my absence Christ will fill the void.  And all those people that feel the cost of my journey will be blessed in some way by our Father.  Because, he does just simply love us.

Messages

I didn't know what a missionary was until I was called to be one.  Truthfully.  I didn't understand what it meant to leave your family and friends and life as you know it to go serve in a foreign culture and country.  I had no concept of what it meant to fund raise.  I didn't understand what it meant to rely on the Holy Spirit to move within people to support your mission.  I had never even met a missionary!

So many have told me not to discount this next year.  This year of preparation and fund raising is a ministry in itself.  How can that be?  I didn't understand then, but I'm beginning to.  I met with a wonderful couple several nights ago to speak about my ministry.  They said something that truly stuck.  In addition to inviting people along for this journey, I can teach people what it means to be a missionary.  It is not horizontal giving (from wallets), it is vertical giving (from God).  It is a blessing to give in the name of Christ to enable people to spread His love and help others.  To help others in a place where they are unable to get help.  Where they are unable to pay for a health care provider, or teacher, or social worker, etc.

I remember before I had a relationship with Christ I didn't understand what people meant when they said God spoke to them.  Now, I find it difficult to believe that there was ever a point in my life when I was oblivious to all of His messages.  I still find that I very naively miss out on some.  But, luckily He keeps trying until I listen.  A very obvious message came to me after meeting with that couple.  The morning after we met, they sent me Philippians 4:18-20.  The importance of this scripture with my current journey is unmistakable.  But, I shrugged it off.  Later that day I sat down to do my devotionals, would you believe that was the exact scripture reading given to me?

"But I have all, and abound: I am full, having received of Epaphroditus the things which were sent from you, an odor of a sweet smell, a sacrifice acceptable, well pleasing to God.  But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.  Now unto God and our Father be glory forever and ever.  Amen."  Philippians 4:18-20

Paul is talking about the wonderful support people were giving to him during his ministry.  He was teaching about the blessings bestowed upon those who generously gave.  The blessing of Christ's joy.  The blessing of peace.  The blessing of taking part in something so much bigger than themselves.

When I feel uncomfortable asking people for money, it is a reminder such as this that keeps me going.  As Christians we are encouraged to support one another.  Through prayer.  Through love.  Through financial means.  He will provide and people will rally together to support His ministry through me.  I have seen this.  As people are generously opening their hearts to the exciting journey I have ahead of me.

And, as I look ahead and get excited to begin, I realize it's already begun.  The beginning is not getting on the plane to Colorado.  I have already started my mission.  And I am thankful for being happy in the here and now.  And so grateful to all of those who have jumped on board and are in for the exciting ride that can only be driven by Christ.

This is not me having a pity party.  Ok, perhaps it is me having a slight pity party.  I spent time with friends last night who are so happy (a beautiful thing).  They are living the single girl dream.  In a great city surrounded by other people their age.  I am so happy for them.  But, my humanity has turned me into an envious person.  I wish that New York City had worked out for me.  That was supposed to be my time.  Time to enjoy life.  To work and live with my best friend.  To meet up with other people my age after work.  To date.  Today, I'm a little angry at God for leading me on this crazy journey.  Why couldn't I have been satisfied with the life I had planned for myself?

And then my Mom spoke her oh so clear words of wisdom.  She pondered whether Jesus ever wished His road could be easier to follow?  That He could indulge in the path of His choice.  Instead of following the path He was destined to lead?

What a crazy thought to think about.  Now, let me be clear when I say I am not comparing my itty bitty missionary life to that of Christ's, although I strife to be more like him everyday.  But, I do wonder.  He was a human.  He knew the path he was on.  I'm sure there were times He thought about a different existence.  But, instead He knew what He had to do.  He knew what His Father called Him to do.

I realize that the DR is my dream.  It is God's dream for me as well.  And once I am there, I will feel the fulfillment I have been looking for.  But, today I let myself be human and be a little sad for the life I will not lead yet trust that the path I am on is so much greater than anything I could have dreamt for myself.

A little bit of Dominican in the States

This weekend was my dream weekend in the States.  I had a glimpse of what my life will be when in full time ministry, and in the DR!  The Dominican doctor that I will be working with in the DR and who is a medical missionary with Students International came to the US to do his fund raising tour.  To meet with supporters and talk about how Christ continues to bless his ministry.  He does this every year, but was able to bring his wife this time!

Saturday night we had dinner at the Pearsons house, who are the founders of an organization called Sowers of the Kingdom.  They do short term mission trips to the DR and it was through this organization that I first got a taste of the immense medical need!  I have since been back with them 3 times (with my Mom on one of the trips!) and once I live in the Dom Rep will get to partner with them several weeks a year.  Dr. Fernando has had the blessing to do so as well.  Anyways, Sat night the Pearsons invited a couple of us over.  The night was filled with DR talk, dreaming, Christ and worship.  It was amazing for me to realize that after this weekend, the next time I see Fernando will be when I move to Jarabacoa, after language school!  We may actually converse in his native lingo!!

This morning was exciting at church, a week after I spoke, to have Fernando speak.  My medical partner in crime!  I just get so excited when I am with him.  We have such big dreams for health care out reach.  The sky is truly the limit.  Sometimes I have to reign myself in.  There are many steps to go through before I step foot again on Dominican soil!

This afternoon, I was able to bring Fernando to my office.  It was such a neat experience for me.  After spending so much time practicing medicine with him on the mission field showing him where I put on my fancy clothes and lab coat and sit at a polished desk day after day....dreaming about the day I get to get down and dirty in the mission field!  That he is spending his time in now!

This evening, Fernando was asked to lead worship at a Spanish church in Yorktown, NY.  This church has only been in existence for two years and was started by an incredible Columbian pastor who is gifted with church planting.  His congregation is predominantly new believers and is only the second Spanish speaking church in our area.  Which is incredible considering the large Spanish population.  Fernando led worship.  A man of many talents.  I was the only white person.  Yup, felt like I was in the DR!  What a way to end Thanksgiving break.  And, at the end of the church service when I was speaking to the pastor he invited me to come back and preach and give my testimony.  What a blessing.  Guess I'm getting over the whole hating public speaking thing??  Only through the strength of Christ.....

Fernando leading worship!

Fernando, Tita (his wife), Rosa, Pastor Nestor, Lourdes and myself

Thankfulness

"Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."      1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

In this season of thankfulness, I'm overwhelmed by a mix of emotions.  I have so many blessings in my life, as so many of us do.  In America, we tend to be thankful for the "big" things.  A nice house, fabulous car, great clothes, or any number of materialistic possessions we can dream up.  I was grateful that at the Thanksgiving service at HRC on Wednesday we were thankful for not just a roof over our head, but the "basic" things we take for granted.  Water that quenches our thirst.  Food that nourishes our bodies.  A wonderful community of faithful believers.

On Wednesday night, I couldn't help but think of how I have not felt pangs of hunger.  I have no idea what it feels like to be a mother trying to feed my children with absolutely no resources available.  I think a common question among non-believers revolves around the notion that if our Heavenly Father was truly so great and wonderful, why doesn't he end hunger, thirst, suffering?  This is the picture they are missing.  Our maker loved us so much that He gave us the power of free will.  Since the Garden of Eden, we have been messing things up.  It breaks His heart to look at our shattered world.  To see all the brokenness.  Yet, He loves us despite these faults.  Despite our wrong choices century after century hurting His beloved creations, His children.  He loves us even though our allocation of resources have caused so many to be lacking.  We have caused hunger, famine, global warming, war, etc.  Yet, He forgives us.  This is what I am thankful for.  The grace and mercy of our Father.  Forgiving us for hurting His children.

I can't help but think where I will be at this point next year.  Will I even celebrate Thanksgiving in the Dominican Republic?  I truly hope so.  Even a tropical thanksgiving with rice and beans by myself.  Perhaps I can even be "skyped" into my family's Thanksgiving table.  I am so blessed with all the technology we have that will enable me to still be in contact with my family.

I pray that you are all having a wonderful and joyful Thanksgiving Holiday filled with love, happy memories and true Thanksgiving for the most wonderful sustenance of all, the love of our Father.

What a day today was.  At the church service I attend on Sunday afternoons (Common Ground) our minister starts off with where we saw Christ this week.  Well friends, I surely cannot pick one!!  I was overwhelmed with the amount of supportive emails and texts I received with encouragement for my speech today, thank you, thank you!!  Your prayers were surely felt as I was blessed to have the opportunity to share with my home church what God has laid so deeply within my heart.  I'm excited to see the partnerships today leads to!

I would like to share with you how awesome our God is and how directly He provides for us.  In my anxiety this morning he provided peace with these words within my devotion:

"I am pleased with you, my child.  Allow yourself to become fully aware of My pleasure shining upon you.  You don't have to perform well in order to receive My Love......Shift your focus from your performance to My radiant Presence.  The Light of My Love shines on you continually, regardless of your feelings or behavior.  Your responsibility is to be receptive to this unconditional Love.  Thankfulness and trust are your primary receptors."   Jesus Calling by Sarah Young (awesome devo!!)

It surely is not about us.  Nothing we can do can make Him love us or be more pleased with us.  In this I had reassurance and peace!

Speaking at the first service, Pastor Taylor

Caught looking down at my speech!

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For those who were unable to attend Hopewell Reformed Church this morning, below is my speech.

Every one of these points I am about to make has a story behind it, that I would love to share, but don’t have time here.  So I’m just gonna give you the highlights.  But, if any of this peaks your interest, lets grab coffee.

When I was a little girl I believed I could change the world.  I believed that I could do anything.  I grew up in a nurturing environment with parents who supported and encouraged me in my dreams, regardless of what they were.  I truly believed the world was at my feet.  I had a wonderful Christian foundation with Sunday school and Youth Group, but am not sure I really, truly did “get it.”

My family started attending Hopewell Reformed Church in eleventh grade.  Shortly after becoming a member, Pastor Randy Prentiss approached me to see if I was interested in attending a youth mission trip to Mexico in August 2002.  My Mom started thinking of multiple polite excuses to get me out of going when much to her surprise I replied that I would love to.  That trip single handedly changed my life.  Something started burning in my heart while I was there, something that would not be smoldered. 

One of the outreaches our group did was to a migrant workers camp.  It was there we met a man who was very ill from what appeared to be a chronic ear infection, but was probably much more serious.  We could see the city of Ensenada from where we worked, yet this man would never receive the medical care he needed.  It was here that I was first touched by the life of the extreme poor in a third world country and the inequalities of the world.

I returned to Poughkeepsie transformed, determined that I would change the world.  It was at that point that I committed myself as a medical missionary, though I didn’t yet have it right.  I stood at this pulpit almost 10 years ago speaking of my experience and the new path Christ was leading me on.  I went away to college and returned to Mexico two more times, both validating my desire to help those without access to basic health care.  I knew this was the path I needed to take, but I didn’t know how.  And I was certain Mexico was not the country I was being called to. 

Through college, the desire to serve as a medical provider in a third world country was never far from my mind, but the secular world enveloped my life.  I only went to church when returning home and my prayer life consisted of pleas to pass a test.  I continued on a path in medicine, but was sure an organization like the Peace Corps or Doctors without Borders was the right route for me.  Who needs God?  After all, I was going to save the world.  I was going to heal people.

I graduated Philadelphia University in August of 2009 as a Physician Assistant and moved to NYC determined to live the American single girl in the city dream.  My best friend and I rented an apartment on the upper east side of Manhattan, I took a lucrative job at Montefiore Hospital and had many plans for travel and entertainment. 

Once again God had another plan and a youth leader at HRC approached me.  Lourdes Kleid, who saw my youth commitment to medical missions, invited me to the DR with Sowers of the Kingdom.  Sure, why not I thought.  I love an adventure, and the timing was perfect because the trip would take place before beginning my new job.  And a little God in my life wouldn’t be a bad thing.

When I look at my life, it’s hard not to divide it as pre- and post- DR 2009.  Outwardly, I remained the same Rachel.  But, inwardly everything changed.  God spoke to me on that trip and I finally listened.  I was blessed to have the opportunity to spend my first job as a newly licensed PA serving Him.  As a team we saw hundreds of patients.  Patients who had never felt the touch of a stethoscope on their chest.  Patients who walked miles and waited hours to see us.  Patients who stole my heart.

I knew on that trip that Christ was calling me to this place.  Moving to the Dominican Republic was the only thing that made sense to me.  I developed a hunger for Christ, to follow Him wherever He may lead.  I no longer cared that I had a beautiful apartment on the upper east side.  I didn’t care about the money I would be making or the trips I would get to go on.  I knew I needed to do everything I could to get back to the DR and use the gifts Jesus has given me to provide care for those that are forgotten by so many.

And everything finally clicked.  This was not about me.  I cannot save the world.  I cannot provide enough health care for everyone.  I am not strong enough to move to a third world country alone.  But the one who is calling me is.  This journey, this overwhelming desire to serve the poor in the DR is all for Christ’s glory.  So that He may use me to further His will.  I finally understood.  I yearn to give health care that provides both physical and spiritual healing.  To hold my patient’s hands and bow our heads in prayer when there is nothing further I can do as a health care provider.

In July I went to the DR for my 5^th trip in a year and a half on an interview and was accepted by the Christian Organization Students International to lead their medical mission site.  Lourdes has been taking youth from HRC to the DR with this organization since 2005.  Students International pairs long term missionaries that have occupational skills with short term mission groups.  My role will be multi-faceted.  Several days a week I will work in a clinic within the city of Jarabacoa.  But the majority of the time, I hope to do out reaches to remote villages that have little to no access to medicine.  I want to implement health care education and prevention programs.  But most importantly, I want to speak about the faith I have in Christ.  To speak of a God who loves His children regardless of life circumstances. 

As I’ve been on this journey the questions I get the most are about my call.  The truth is I’m not quite sure I even understand what a call truly is.  What I do know is we are all a part of a far greater plan than we can even fathom.  And Christ has an individual plan for each and everyone one of us.  Mine may be a little extreme with moving to a third world country, but all of us play a part in the kingdom of God. 

In Matthew 22 Christ simplifies things for us.  “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it.  Love your neighbor as yourself.”  Well, simply put, myself doesn’t want to go without health care.

We are all brothers and sisters in Christ, whether in the states or the DR.  It is our duty as Christ followers to provide for those who are unable to provide for themselves.  As Matthew 25:40 says, “Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.”  God has given me family in the DR and to them I will go.

Poster done.  Fundraising packets made.  Speech written.  Dress picked out.  Family on board.  Liturgy papers received.  Wait, what?  Yup, I am the liturgist too.  I better not wet my pants from nerves or suffer from the "shakes."  I was hoping to give my speech and then run away into the sea of pews.  God has other plans.  And I will obey.  But, really God?  You know I hate public speaking.  You know this is really stretching me.  You know this is the thing I have been dreading since being accepted.  You know this will cause my anxiety level to sky rocket.....

But, incredibly it hasn't.  Never in a million years would I have thought that my fears of public speaking would transform into continued validation, peace and excitement for whats to come.  I cannot wait to wake every morning in the DR.  I cannot wait to live my life serving Jesus.  To spend time with the poor and do everything I can to give them hope and care.  I cannot wait to teach American students, about the love of Christ and about medicine.  I cannot wait to be fluent in Spanish and not need an interpreter at clinics.  I cannot wait.

Some of the greatest fears I have about public speaking (aside from everyone staring at me) is not knowing who is in the audience.  I'm trusting God will help me know when to tell my employer that I'm leaving.  But, I do not want a patient or fellow health care provider to beat me to the punch.  And, I've already had some close calls.  Guess this is that whole trusting thing again.  Trust Him in the small things and it will be easier to trust in the bigger.  Well here's to jumping off the plank into trust.  Because, who is going to be there as I get off that plane in Guatemala?  Who's going to be there as I am waking in strange places and stepping out of my comfort zone?  Who's going to provide for me?

I will try and take pictures of this Sunday and let you all know how it goes!!  Thank you for your continued prayers!!

And if you get a chance....check out Kim Streeter's blog about El Callejon.  El Callejon is a very poor community that SI ministers to through a social work site.  Kim moved to the DR several months ago and is doing an incredible ministry with the women (children, teens and adults) in that community!!
http://www.meetingjesusinelcallejon.blogspot.com/

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from my fears."  Psalm 34:4


God is meeting me.  In His perfect timing things are coming together.  Last week I wrote to you as a weak human, as Rachel.  Not trusting his perfect plan.  Boy, I must have some incredible prayer warriors out there!  I  can honestly say I am excited about speaking at my church this weekend.  I finally get to talk about what I love and believe in more than anything else.

This past Sunday we had our Odyssey service.  Several people were there who were at our main church for the early service.  Apparently our Pastor announced that I would be speaking the following Sunday.  Normally this would make me very nervous and feel pressured, BUT not that day.  I found it such an encouragement.  People told me they are excited to hear what I have to say!  He is moving.

The past several months have been spent preparing.  Sending emails to people who may be interested in being supporters.  Putting together business cards, prayer cards and supporter packets.  Making lists.  Budgeting.  Organizing.  Now, is the fun part!!

The encouragement I am receiving from those around me is such a gift.  I believe in challenging our Father for what we need.  And provide He will.  Just when I start feeling alone, like the only one who is going through this a delivery is made.  In the form of a spiritual mentor, to wrestle through spiritual warfare.  In the form of an incredible single female missionary a year ahead of me in this process.  In the form of a missionary couple who are leaving from my church at the same time I am, and who are dealing with the same feelings of leavers "guilt."  In the form of friends who send encouraging emails.  In the form of fellow PAs who are collecting medical supplies for me.  Encouragement.  Thank you for being Jesus to me.

Students International has an awesome video about their DR ministry.  Check it out!!  I will be leading the health care site!!  :)

http://youtu.be/dLPSpAKp7Q0

16 days

16 days.  This is what my mind keeps obsessing with, my anxiety in full swing.  16 days is when I will speak in front of my church.  I'm trying not to think about how scary that is for me.  How much I hate public speaking and would rather play my guitar (which I don't play for anyone) and sing than stand up in front of my church with everyone staring at me and speak.  Many people hate public speaking.  I think very few people truly look forward to it.  Obviously this is necessary when fund raising, to stand in front of large groups of people, usually churches, and share your story.

When I accepted with Students International in July, this was where my mind immediately fled.  This is the first hurdle I will have to cross.  I have enjoyed meeting with people one on one and sharing the DR.  But, to kick off my fund raising, HRC has to see my face.  They have to see me.  I have to give a speech.

This is where my spiritual warfare begins.  Whether you believe evil as a person (Satan) or all the negativity in the world, it is irrelevant.  When we are trying to follow the path Jesus has called for us, there is going to be some opposition.  And right now, my opposition is extreme anxiety about public speaking.  If I didn't believe this was a worthy cause and what I had to say was important, I sure wouldn't be paving forward.

So what to do with this anxiety/fear.  Well, aside from asking the entire church to wear a bag over their head, my theme of trusting the Lord comes back into play.  Perhaps I don't have the words to say.  Perhaps I do not have the ability to move hearts.  Perhaps I do not have the power to inspire people to support my ministry.  But, I am in the hands of the one who does.  The one who brought me on this journey and has led me to this point.  Trust, Rachel, trust.

The trust I can develop now will help me as I follow him later.  In Colorado, in Guatemala, in the DR.  Trust.  The money will come in His timing.  Trust.  The church is your family and the perfect starting point.  Trust.  The words will come.  Trust.  You will not be alone.  Trust.  What you have to say and do is important.  Trust.  Trust.  Trust.

I pray that not only will I have full trust in God but that we all can rest assured and trust that we are where we are supposed to be.  In our little lives working towards something so much greater than any of us.

Odyssey

I confess that I spend many days wishing that I weren't living at home.  Don't get me wrong, there are parts I do love.  I love seeing my parents on a day to day basis.  I love the beautiful mid-hudson valley and I love the small amount of friends I have left.  But, the best part of living at home is being involved in Hopewell Reformed Church.  I am so blessed to have such a strong church body and community of believers to look to and guide me on my journey.

One of the ministries I've been involved with is called Odyssey.  Odyssey is a church plant of HRC for people with cognitive and physical disabilities.  It started about 3 years ago with 4 people and has grown into a congregation of approximately 80-100 people.  This ministry has been such a blessing.  We're talking about a population that is often looked over.  Are people with disabilities brought to church?  Sometimes.  By their families growing up.  But, once they are older and are placed in group homes run by the state there no longer is an emphasis to bring them to church.  Not to mention many church services are difficult for people with disabilities.  To sit still. To be quiet.  To sing.  To hold hands and speak to one another.  To try and understand a sermon.

I of course speak from experience.  I remember many years of growing up with my brother where my Mom would spend the whole service making sure Jamie behaved and wasn't too loud or have an explosive episode.  This is where Odyssey is incredible, and the people who have really been committed to this ministry.  We sing. We have a sermon.  We pray.  We make a craft.  All on a level that people with developmental challenges can understand!  So what if people talk during the service.  Or have to get up to walk around?  We don't care.  

And let me tell you, neither does God.  I have never been in a place where God is more tangible than in an Odyssey service.  I selfishly say that I probably get more out of an Odyssey service than any of the people with disabilities.  Jesus is with the weak.  Oh yes.  

I bring this to your attention today because on Wednesday night we changed things up a bit.  Our church has been studying Philippians and being joyful through all the days of our lives.  We have been conducting small group bible studies for the past 5 weeks.  The first 4 weeks were at peoples houses but this week we decided to have the last bible study at Green Brier, a nursing home for people with disabilities.

I can't tell you how excited this nursing home was to have us.  If there's one thing you need to know about people who have disabilities, they love love love to show people where they live.  Well, most, except my brother who would just prefer to live in a dark cave by himself, haha.  But don't worry, we force him to socialize :) We had 26 people, not including the 5 of us visiting!

I speak of this night because I had a realization as we were teaching about keeping joy through the hard times.  My faith fails in comparison to many within this population.  I don't want to generalize, but it seems everyone who spoke had such a pure, uncomplicated, deep belief in Christ.  I believe that Jesus speaks to each of us in our own language.  And let me tell you, I am convinced that some of these people actually see Him.  That He chooses to reveal himself in a visual way.

I also realized that intelligence gets in the way of our belief.  We try to rationalize or find proof of our belief.  God doesn't ask us to do that.  He asks us to believe, wholeheartedly and without reservation, to have faith.  My scientific/medical brain constantly wants to have proof.  Whether it's some crazy way the Holy Spirit has worked in my life or proof that this world just could not have been made without God.  I find myself envious of how Odyssey people believe and worship without reservation.  Shouting to their maker with hands held high.  Not caring what people think.  Trusting that they are in the hands of the one who loves them most.

I pray that we may all be more like Odyssey people.  That we may love Jesus without reservation or doubts.  Without caring what other people think of us.  That we may follow his will for us.  That we (I) may stop looking for earthly proof to his existence, but look around us, to the people who surround us.  And the Holy Spirit that is shining through in normal day to day life.   

Homeless in PK

As I was driving along the arterial the other day in Poughkeepsie, NY I noticed a homeless man standing by the side of the road.  He looked very disheveled with a long scraggly beard, dirt on his face, multiple layers of clothes on his back and a shopping cart filled with what appeared to be his possessions.  He stood by himself, back turned to the setting sun, holding a sign that says "Jesus loves you.  I'm a believer.  Please help me."

This truly resonated with me, and no I did not stop, though I wanted to.  It took me several days to understand why I was so shaken by this man.  I don't know if he is a believer.  I don't know where he came from or what life predicaments brought him to the situation he currently was in.  But I do know two things.

This man may not be a Christian but he knew who to turn to in his weakness.  Whether it was for appearance sake or to speak to others to take pity on him, Jesus Christ was where he turned.  The one person who walked the Earth with an unrelenting compassion for the poor.

Secondly, if he was a believer he was looking to his fellow believers for support.  I suppose this speaks to me since I am in the midst of fund raising.  I too am looking for supporters who believe in our cause and ministry. People who are feeling called to sponsor me as I am feeling called to be a medical missionary.  This homeless man was appealing to Christians, Christ followers who are to love their neighbors as themselves.

I don't want to get political.  I know the homeless in America have many various socioeconomic problems and psychiatric disorders that have placed them in their current situation.  I know there are many,  many programs in the states to help people in their need.  But, it is incredible that in our society that appears so far from the lifestyle Jesus calls us to live; a person will still attempt to appeal to fellow humans through the cross. Two thousand years later.

I haven't seen that man since.  I pray that he sought help.  That he saw Jesus in the form of humanity.  And that perhaps, whether he was calling out to Christ for appearance sake or truly believed his words, that Christ was revealed to him.  As I pray he is to you.

Excited

This morning I got really excited.  I mean really excited.  It truly truly is beginning.  I am on my way to do this!  And people are listening and God is moving!!  I'm into my third week of fundraising.  Let me tell you, it is daunting, when going it alone.  But, God continues to provide and continues to give me encouragement, and reminders that I am not alone!  I am amazed by the people who are interested in this journey.  What an awesome blessing!

Thank you for the excitement and encouragement amidst overwhelmingness (is this even a word?)!!

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears."  Psalm 34:4

Autism, Fashion and Jesus

I am blessed to have an incredible older brother.  Jamie who everyone remembers.  Jamie who has an infectious laugh.  Jamie who loves without judgement or reservation.  Jamie who forgives with the blink of an eye.  Jamie who is a computer genius.  And Jamie who is autistic.

Autism has always been a part of my life.  Especially when your only sibling is trapped by this disease.  I've read many books about siblings of autistic children, some I can relate to and others I can't.  Yes autism was a part of our lives, but it wasn't the center.  Perhaps that is a testament to the way my parents raised us.  Sure accommodations had to be made, but we appreciate our little family and the quirks Jamie has shared with us.  I can go on for hours with stories of when Jamie put nails in the thanksgiving pie because he thought it was too boring.  Or when he was given scotch tape for his birthday (thanks Aunt Cindy) and I was taped in my room.  Or when he pulled the fire alarm at the mall...the list goes on and on.  Point being, life was never boring.  And for everyone who knows me well, I hate monotony.

The most hurtful thing about autism is the lack of understanding by others.  People can be so cruel.  I don't believe Jamie was bullied as harshly as other kids are, but he had his fair share of comments and stares by those who don't get it.  Sometimes autism is a blessing in that most of the things people said I don't believe he knew, understood or cared that they were mean.  But we did.  I knew when people were intentionally being mean to my brother who couldn't help his idiosyncrasies and wouldn't hurt a fly.

Last night I had the pleasure of attending the New Horizons Fashion show benefit.  New Horizons is the agency Jamie is a part of that provides his housing and social resources.  It is such an incredible event, but never has it touched me like last night.  It takes place at the Poughkeepsie Grand, with 250 people in attendance all there to support and raise money for people with developmental and physical disabilities.  Both people with and without disabilities participate in the fashion show.  Let me tell you, it is such an amazing spectacle to see women who have struggled with acceptance and mental constraints walk across that runway with hundreds of people cheering them on.  I was so moved by the support last night for this community.  Even though Jamie wasn't there, he is part of an agency where people accept him for who he is.  What a beautiful thing.  Finally.

I can't help but compare this community to Christianity.  I don't know how many people in that room were believers, but isn't this how we all felt when we first found Christ?  Breathing became a little easier.  Finally someone who accepted us for all our faults and idiosyncrasies.  A community that supports us, carries and encourages us.  When the rest of the world pushes our button, Jesus just welcomes us home.

Moving to the DR may be the hardest on my relationship with Jamie.  He hates the phone.  Talking with him face to face is hard enough, let alone on a computer, skype, phone or through mail.  I know we will try but it just won't be like being here.  I will really miss him.  And I doubt he will ever be able to visit.  That would be pushing his disabilities too far.  I'm not sure what I would even feed him!  Haha.  Perhaps I will find chicken nuggets somewhere.

Just one of the many people I will miss having regular contact with.  So, even though at 27 I don't want to be living back home, I find myself thankful for the time I have with my family.  And my Jamie.

I'm blessed to love my job.  I love the time I spend with my patients.  The autonomy I have but the accessibility of my attending Physician.  I love our small family run practice.  In the era of "big business" we continue to exude that comfortable medical climate.  I have to say, one of the hardest things in all this is thinking of the day I have to tell my employer I am leaving.  I can't risk telling them so far in advance.  I need my job until I leave.  But, I can't help but feel guilty that by day I am putting my all into a job that is, in my mind, temporary.  I have spent much time in devotion over when the best time will be to give my notice.  The last thing I want to do is leave the practice hanging, but I also need to think of my future.  I still have 8 months here.  I need a pay check during that time!

I thought once I accepted with SI that feeling of being "torn" would subside.  That, since everything in my life is working towards the DR, my job would be that just a job.  Perhaps I throw myself into things too much, but my job is my life.  Will my patients be ok without me?  Of course they will theoretically.  They were fine before me and will be fine without me.  But, who will love them like I do?

Another thing I have to trust.  Trust that God will provide the right timing to give my notice.  Trust that whoever replaces me will be an even better fit for my patients.  Trust that this is the journey I'm meant to follow and everything will fall into place.

Accidentally Fund Raising

Last week I "accidentally" started fund raising.  Sometimes it amazes me how God's idea of opportune timing is so different from mine.  I shared that I was given the go ahead by SI to begin.  Fantastic!  But I had many things I had to get ready before I could actually start meeting with people!!  I had donor letters that needed to be written, information and sponsor cards that needed to be made, and there was no way my donor appeal was ready.  I surely had to practice and piece together what I wanted to say before anyone could possibly believe in my ministry enough to support it.

Yet again, I was humbled and yet again God reminded me who was in control.  In my "not so ready" state, 5 people have committed to monthly donations.  5.  In one week!!  It's still an incredible feeling to have people support this crazy journey.  To see people believe in God and how He is working through people in a place I love so much.

When I think of all I have to accomplish in the next 8 months, I am overwhelmed.  I.  What is I.  Are we truly I?  Doesn't God ask us to lift all our concerns to him?  Doesn't He ask us not to worry about tomorrow?  When I look at the next 8 months of fundraising as "We" it's not overwhelming.  When I focus on today and trust that tomorrow will take care of itself, the next 8 months feel a little more manageable.  I believe in my journey and I believe funding will come.

I am entering into new territory for myself and so many that I am surrounded by.  But, you know what, I'm excited.  The next 8 months are just as important as mission training school and language school.  The next 8 months give me the opportunity to share our (mine and Christ's) journey to anyone who will listen.  They allow me to start trusting in Him.  To trust in timing.  To trust in Him for provisions.  8 months to grow deeper in my faith.  To become equipped for a life 100% in reliance on Him.  To learn to listen and to follow.

I continue to be amazed by the people God has placed in my life along this journey.  The teachers I have been blessed to meet with.  Incredible people of faith, all who are equipping me.  I thank all of you who have helped direct me along this path.  You have been answers to prayers and glimpses of His word to me.

So, here I am, accidentally fund raising and open to the way God wants things done.  Because, let's face it, His timing is far better than mine.  And this is ultimately about Him.  I am but a servant.

Blessed

Sometimes I just can't believe how blessed I am.  As I have mentioned before, my parents weren't always a hundred percent on board with this whole moving to a third world country thing.  This was one of the biggest issues I struggled with when I first felt my call.  What if they never "got it?"  Was I still willing to follow God without the support of my family?  I have been truly blessed to not have to deal with that question, because they do get it.  This weekend my Dad was away on a business trip so I spent the entire time with my Mom.  I never used to cherish the time I spent with her like I do now.  Perhaps it's because I know living with them is temporary and I don't know how long I will be in the DR.  3 years, 10 years, lifelong?  But either way my Mom has not only embraced my path but has agreed to be my point person with fundraising.  This from the person who a year ago was praying for my feelings about the DR to change.  I have to admit, my parents change of heart is certainly one of the most tangible evidence of the power of prayer in my life.  It is their support that will always carry me regardless of where I go.  And my prayer warriors!!

To all of you who have been keeping me in your prayers-I thank you!!  Please continue to pray for the holy spirit to guide me in this time of fundraising!!

September has been a crazy month.  I was truly hoping to have started fund raising by now but things always seem to take a bit longer than predicted.  I've spent most of this month on call at the office which has kept me pretty busy, in addition I went to Chicago last week for an oncology conference.  It was such a blessing to spend time with friends and find companionship and support with others who spend their time in oncology.  As I'm sure people find in other careers, an automatic understanding and camaraderie develops when you meet people who "get it."  People who understand the day to day.  It couldn't have come at a better time after the summer I've had with losing so many close patients.

BUT!!  I am so excited to report that I have been given the go-ahead to start fund raising.  My account with Students International is open and I am free to start praying and talking.  Praying for people to be moved by the spirit and to partner with me in my ministry!!!  I can't wait to start talking to everyone I can!!  I admit the task ahead is daunting, I never thought I would be going from very self-sufficient to so dependent on Christ.  But, I am so excited for the people I will be connected with and to talk about my favorite subject in the whole world.  I also look forward to deepening my faith and relying on Him for all of my needs, including such "simple" things as clothing and food.  I think sometimes we forget that He is there for us in all aspects, not just when people are sick or our life is rocky.  The more we rely on Him, the more tangible He becomes.  As prayer after prayer are answered.

ALSO!!  I spoke with my site director at SI today.  He shared with me that the clinic they are building in the city of Jarabacoa is almost complete, and he has already found a desk and exam table for me when I start seeing patients!!  Ahhh!  I can't tell you how crazy excited that gets me.  I can't wait to see the journey God takes me on.  The people I meet.  The patients I care for.  What a blessing to be embarking on such an adventure!

Please keep me in your prayers as I step out of my comfort zone and public speak.  Please pray that I may fund raise in a biblical manor and not in a way that will make anyone feel uncomfortable or resemble secular "salesmen."  Thank you!

Will keep you updated!!

Too close?

Friends.  Tonight I come to you as a defeated PA, a human filled with sadness but a Christian clinging tighter to her faith than ever before.  I apologize it has been a while since my last posting.  It has been a truly challenging couple of weeks.  My doctor has been away for 16 days.  For 16 days I have taken care of my deathly ill oncology patients.  For 16 days I have taken call.  For 16 days I have felt far older than my 26 years.  And I am defeated, with only the strength of Christ carrying me.

In medicine, especially oncology, we are continuously reminded to keep our distance from patients.  To show them compassion, but for our own sanity leave it all behind.  That this is the only way to preserve oneself in such a stressful profession.  This is an aspect of medicine I truly struggle with.  Medicine is not just my profession, it is who I am.  Soon, I will be living my life in medicine.  When I am in the DR, will it truly ever stop?  Will I ever eat a meal without someone asking my medical opinion?  Will there be nights when I am awoken with a deathly ill patient?  Will I ever not be on call?  I love my patients.  I think about them throughout my day, not just when I am sitting in the office.  I am incapable of "distancing myself."  But, I ask if that is truly wrong?  Is it that distance health care providers create that makes them stop caring?  I bring to light these questions because perhaps I allowed myself to get too close.  Or perhaps, in a controlled environment, God is teaching me and preparing me for what is to come?

In the many patients that I have had the privilege of taking care of in the past year, none compared to my truck driver.  We bonded immediately.  He was young, 47 with a wife and 3 children.  And he was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic disease.  Ive taken care of him for 14 months.  He started on chemotherapy when I first joined the practice.  We met weekly.  He hated coming in to my office because of what we represented, a shortened life span.  But he was compliant, and I worked with him.  I even met with him in his truck in the parking lot one morning.  He was given a year to live last summer.

I was convinced I wasn't going to be here when he passed, that we would keep him alive.  I knew I couldn't handle watching him die.  It has become harder and harder as I lose patients because I've taken care of them for longer and longer.  The day before my doc left for vacation this patient developed extensive disease, we did all we could.  I worked with his family very closely.  They even came to my office everyday.  On Friday I had to place him on Hospice.  Two hours later as I was on the phone with his wife, he took his last breathe.  I was there everyday, through it all.  Just me.

I was and still am heartbroken.  How can this be?  I find myself remembering the last conversations we had.  His wife telling me he was the best.  So simple, yet true.  He was the best.  And to be taken away so young.  I miss the phone calls I would get from his wife.  I miss helping him through his symptoms.  I miss speaking with him.  I didn't want to be here for this.  And here I was, not only here but calling the shots.

And yet, a midst my tears and pain, God was present with me.  I could not have cared for him without our Father.  Everything played out as it should have.  I was meant to be here for this.  God had his hand in everything, from beginning to end.  When his wife called me, to confirm he had died, she phrased his death as "passing on."  What a beautiful way of thinking about death.  Passing on to where there is no sickness.  To where Jesus has prepared a room in his house.  On Earth we are saddened by what people are missing out on  here, but perhaps we are the ones missing out.  Less time with our heavenly Father.

Tonight, as tears continue to fall, I trust that my patient is free from pain.  That he is sad being separated from his family but rejoicing with our Father.  I refuse to stop caring and loving my patients.  Is that what Jesus did?  Stopped caring when things got too hard?  What better time to love people fiercely than when they are facing death?

I'm not quite sure how to make sense of the past couple of weeks.  I'm not sure how I'm going to walk back into my office on Tuesday and continue caring for my patients.  To pretend that I am not affected by losing a patient.  I do know that I will never stop loving them, regardless of how many more "truck drivers" I have in my life.  I will never stop giving my all regardless of the toll it takes on me.  Isn't this why I'm called into medicine?  I will continue to give my everything, always looking above for strength and striving to be more like the ultimate healer.

Please keep my patient's family in your prayers as they are grieving the loss of this wonderful man.

Prayer Warriors

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid, for the Lord God is my strength and my might; he has become my salvation."  Isaiah 12:2

Several weeks ago I shared that I had become discouraged.  That I was overwhelmed by thoughts that were not typical of me.  During that time I spoke to a very dear friend who asked when I felt the most connected to Christ.  I replied when I was on my interview in the DR, that I knew I had prayer warriors who were praying for His will to be done.  She suggested something so simple and obvious.  I needed those prayer warriors throughout this next year, as I step outside of my comfort zone and begin fundraising.  And so, my prayer cards were created.  I can't tell you the immense difference I feel since asking specific people to pray for specific things.  The power of prayer is so incredible.  Allow me to share with you how it has helped me just in the last couple of weeks.

The heart of my parents has completely changed over this past year.  From supportive of whatever I do but not really "getting it" to being my biggest supporters.  Example- behind our house a new house on 30 acres of land has been created.  My Mom has been dying to meet our neighbors.  So, she finally convinced my Dad on their way home from shopping last weekend to stop by.  Our new neighbors are devout Christians and my parents were able to share with them my calling.  To perfect strangers!  Within several days a brown paper bag sat on our front step with a book about a young female missionary from the 1800s who went abroad to India and an encouraging letter, to me.....from a total stranger!!  The book came at the right time as I was feeling overwhelmed and thinking, what can a single young 26 year old girl really do?  Answered prayers.

This weekend, on Saturday I sat down with my dear friends who are missionaries with a wonderful campus ministry called Disciplemakers.  I can't recall feeling more humbled than when leaving them.  I met with them to share how God has been working in my life, as friends.  Not only have they showed faithfully that they believe in my ministry but they offered to be fundraising mentors for me!  What a blessing!  I feel so isolated from Students International so to have people willing to help stateside is incredible.  They also want me to visit them in Penn State and set up meetings with a bunch of their missionary friends who greatly believe in international missions.  Where did all this come from?  Only above.

On Sunday, I wasn't planning to attend morning church but go on a hike in Mohonk and then attend late afternoon church.  A thunderstorm seemed to ruin our plans.  A friend of mine and I decided to go to Arlington Reformed Church, to wait out the rain, then go biking in New Paltz.  It was soon very evident this was the right plan.  We walked in 20 minutes late.  The head pastor at that church was my Youth Pastor when I went to Mexico so has seen my transformation.  Of course he announced us to everyone, being the lovely on the spot kind of guy he is.  But then during prayer time he had me stand up and his congregation pray for me about the DR.  Wow!  Afterwards, I was able to share with people about this journey.  And I loved it!  Maybe public speaking won't be so bad.  I forgot how fun it is to share God's work in my life with people who haven't been with me since the beginning.  To show how the puzzle pieces fit.  And with my conversation I gained a new prayer supporter and financial supporter.  He is good!  He is encouraging me!

I often say, I just want to be there.  But God showed me this past weekend what an important step this next year will be.  To have the opportunity to meet people I never would have in the past.  To find prayer warriors which are just as important, if not more so, then financial supporters.  I look forward to sitting down with many of you in person and sharing stories!

I pray that we all have open eyes to seeing His work in our lives.  Happy Monday!

Today I am excited.  Today is the beginning.  I am having my first official talk about the DR and meeting with prayer supporters!!  I can't wait to sit with them and share how Jesus has worked through my life and the quest I am embarking on.  My favorite topic!  This family is very special to me as they are in ministry themselves and were with me on my first trip to the DR in Nov 2009.  How things have changed!  The perfect place to begin.

For the past couple of months, I have been blessed to be placed in contact with an incredible missionary who is a year ahead of me in this process.  She is currently in language school in Guatemala.  I placed a link to her blog on the left side of this page.  If you get the opportunity to check it out, she is an amazing testimony as to how God will carry us and provide when we are following his will.  She and I have been in contact since a couple weeks before my interview with SI and she has been a huge wealth of information to me.  I have actually never met her in person.  Add that to the list of things I am looking forward to!

Will let you know how everything goes today.  Blessings to you all!!

"Commit your way to the Lord, trust in him and he will act.  He will make your vindication light, and the justice of your cause like noonday."  Psalm 37:4

Impatience = Distrust

It is August 14....exactly 41 days since I have been accepted to Students International.  For those of you who don't know me as well as others, I am very much a type A person in many areas of my life.  Which means I am always looking towards the next step and planning.  I find it difficult to live in the moment as I am constantly looking ahead for the next step.  God is really testing my patience level these days.  In my eyes I am ready to jump.  Ready to start fundraising and talking to everyone who will listen about where God is leading me.  And I suppose that is a good thing, except when everything at this point is out of my control.


I am impatient.  SI and I are still working out details, budgeting, fine tuning timeline, etc.  But I just want to plunge.  I had originally planned on moving home for a year....that was 14 months ago and now I will be here until at least June 2012.  Which seems forever away.  You would think by now I would learn I am not in control, to lift these traits up to the one who is.  Yet once again I am humbled.  Yesterday in my devotion time God reminded me of his ever present spirit and how once again I have to trust.  Trust him not only in the big things but also the minute details.  In this situation, my impatience is showing distrust in his plan.  He will lead me and I will begin fundraising in His time.  Until then, I can still love on the DR and tell every person I meet how blessed I am to know Jesus and this incredible journey we are embarking on!

"The human mind plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps."  Proverbs 16:9

It's just hard for me not to think about this place and people that have stolen my heart....with pictures as these can you blame me???

I pray that you all had a restful Sabbath and are renewed in His spirit as we start this new week!

Praying for a 5 year old boy who has Cerebral Palsy and no wheelchair (Nov '09)!
He's either on the floor or in the arms of his mother.
Our church brought a wheelchair donated from our special education
 ministry (Odyssey) the following trip!  Answered prayers!

Children sponsored by the ministry Sowers of the Kingdom, an organization
 associated with my church that I do short term medical mission trips with

This is all one family!!!  Writing out prescriptions.

Playa Bonita, Samana Peninsula, DR

Mountain view from Palmarito, Samana Peninsula

Remote mountain community; Palmarito

Palmarito

Palmarito nina!

......truly that simple??

"Enjoy serving the Lord, and he will give you what you want."  Psalm 37: 4

"When we submit to God's plans, we can trust our desires.  Our assignment is found at the intersection of God's plan and our pleasures.  What do you love to do?  What brings you joy?  What gives you a sense of satisfaction?
Some long to feed the poor.  Others enjoy leading the church.....Each of us has been made to serve God in a unique way....
The longings of your heart, then, are not incidental; they are critical messages.  The desires of your heart are not to be ignored; they are to be consulted.  As the wind turns the weather vane, so God uses your passions to turn your life.  God is too gracious to ask you to do something you hate."
    from Grace For The Moment by Max Lucado


Is it really that simple?  Following our Lord is following the will he has placed within our heart?  To trust that which he has placed so strongly at the depths of our being that we are unable to ignore?

I had a tough couple of weeks.  I have been living in the now.  Which I suppose isn't such a bad thing considering I will still be in the states for almost another year.  But, it is a change in pace since the past few months have been all about the DR.  Perhaps because I know I will be there in Fall of 2012 I don't feel the need to spend countless hours longing to understand this next step. 

For the first time last week I felt fear.  I continued to experience an all consuming peace and understanding that this is indeed the next step, but fear enveloped my thoughts.  Interestingly, not fear of the DR but all I have to do before arriving.  Fear that people will not believe in my ministry and financial support will not come.  Fear of going from a lucrative career to one fully relying on Him to provide.  Fear of mission training school, that I don't have the biblical knowledge all the other missionaries will have.  Fear of leaving home and my parents behind.  Fear of walking away from a job I love.  But most of all, fear of going to Guatemala for language school.  Learning foreign languages does not come easily to me.  I have studied Latin, French and Spanish.  I can barely tell you how to say "hello" in any of them.  Not my forte.  I am scared of living in Guatemala.  The DR has become a second home to me.  I am very comfortable there.  But Guatemala is a whole nother realm.  What are the people like?  Will they be welcoming?  As I stumble through one of the biggest challenges I will face, learning Spanish?

I hate being afraid.  I truly felt my fear was coming between my relationship with Christ.  I spent a good portion of last weekend in devotion.  Remarkably I felt little consolation.  Until Tuesday.  He answers.  Tuesday morning at work, I had a new patient.  She brought a translator because she only spoke Spanish.  I was so excited to have my first Spanish speaking patient in Poughkeepsie (after over a year of practicing here).  In the Bronx at Montefiore I was surrounded by many Dominicans and Puerto Ricans but not in the suburbs.  Probably the only thing I miss about working in the Bronx.  As I step into my exam room an incredible sound of Spanish filled the air.  I asked where my patient is from.  But of course Guatemala, and she was lovely.  And I found peace.  Once again.  He answers.  Trust Rachel.  Trust.

This past week was the hardest I have experienced since specializing in Oncology.  I am privileged to spend an immense amount of time with my patients and their families.  We become such an intimate part of each other's lives.  I have hundreds of patients, but about 8-10 who are acutely ill requiring chemo to keep them alive.  They are the ones I become incredibly close to.  On Monday I admitted two of those patients to the hospital and on Thursday I discharged one on Hospice and unexpectedly the other passed away.  To love a patient and lose them is heartbreaking.  But all in one day.  Such heartache.  And through the sadness He was there.  I was able to be with my patient's family right after he passed.  What a blessing to share that time with them.  To express to them how much he had meant to me. 

People often ask how I can practice in oncology, isn't it sad?  My answer is quite simple.  I believe in a God who loves my patients more than I.  He works through my hands and when it is their time, He takes them.  To a place far away from the pain and agony they have endured.  I believe in heaven and that my patients are in the place He has created for them.  They are with the ultimate healer and have been healed.  They are at last at peace.  But yes how I miss them.

I hope this evening finds you all at peace.  If I could ask you to please keep me in your prayers.  Prayers as I am beginning this journey.  To trust and follow in his steps.

His Will Be Done.....

The following are excerpts from my journal while on my interview in Jarabacoa, DR with Students International (SI):

Saturday July 2, 2011  5:00pm   
somewhere flying over the Atlantic Ocean between Fl and the DR......

This is it.  I can't believe I'm on the plane to interview to be a medical missionary.  I've never experienced the emotions I have been the past couple of days.  I am so peaceful and excited.  I can't wait to see what the next 5 days hold.  My future?  I am blessed to have so many people at home praying for me.  When I left my parents this morning it felt like I was leaving for longer than 5 days, like this is the beginning.

11:15pm
I had dinner with my potential site leader tonight.  It was lovely.  It's incredible to see how God has worked in their lives.  We all have such different stories yet the same unexpected calling.  Everyone seems to be so excited about the possibility of me.  The outreach that can happen.  I just pray to listen to you, Oh Lord, and not all these outside voices who want me to be here.  It's scary the thought of moving here but is there something to be said that I am more comfortable on a plane full of Dominicans than Americans?  That I can see myself having a Dominican house but not an American?  And not just because it would be orange.  Oh the struggles of doubting.  Lord, you told me this morning to trust.  I am trusting in you.  I want to follow you.  Show me over the next couple of days where you want me to be.  Relieve my mind of doubt.  Show me, walk with me, carry me and I will follow.  I thank you for laying this country so firmly on my heart.  I can't leave it behind.  It just keeps pressing.  Provide me with the words to speak and the questions to ask.  This feels so right, like I can breathe.  I don't know how everything is going to come together but I just need to trust.

Sunday July 3, 2011  8:00am
"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."
                              Isaiah 26:3

I keep telling people over the past couple of days that I am so calm and at such peace without anxiety.  I truly believe this peace is because I am trusting.  Trusting that I am in His hands.  That He knows where I belong better than I.  That it will be made clear on this journey.


Monday July 4, 2011 7:00am

This is the second year in a row I haven't been in the states for Independence day.  Sorry I didn't write last night.  It was a very exhausting day.  I went to an American-Dominican church in the morning.  The sermon was translated which was great. And I did get some good Spanish worship in there!  The last song they sang was "In Christ Alone" in Espanol.  I have been listening to that song pretty incessantly at home so it was pretty incredible to hear it in Jarabacoa.  The sermon was from Ezra and talked about Cyrus the King of Persia listening to the way God was moving his heart.  The pastor talked about how we need to learn to listen.  I think that's a lot of our problem as humans.  Everyone keeps telling me how kool it is that God is speaking to me, but I think our Lord speaks to all of us.  We just have to train ourselves to listen. 

At the end of the service I met a Canadian medical missionary who has training in tropical diseases.  She has been in Jarabacoa for 10 years and has her own clinic!  Awesome!  I definitely could have talked with her all day.  It was encouraging to see someone within the medical field.  I've met many teachers and social workers, etc who are missionaries but I am ashamed at the lack of international full time medical health care providers.  With there being such need!! 

Afterwards, I had lunch with the doctor I will be working with and his family.  It was delicious.  Lots of rice and beans and vegetables!  They are so kind to cater towards my vegetarianism!  Following that I spent the afternoon with a young missionary couple who are in charge of all the students when they come on trips and stay at the base.  It was so nice to sit and speak with people who were my age and living here.  That was huge for me.  To get a 20-something American missionary perspective.  I had dinner that night with two power house couples.  The President of all of SI and the directors of SI-DR.  It was a bit intimidating.  That felt like my interview.  They asked me some tough questions about my training, my vision, my testimony, my loan issue.  But it was also incredible that little ole me, with big dreams was given the opportunity to sit at a table and dream about where God will lead me.

Last thought- I guess Sat I was so pumped and yesterday was pretty overwhelming.  I think that is the best way to describe how I am feeling.  Overwhelmed.  Lord, am I ready for this?

9:00pm
And He answers trust in me.  It has been incredible connecting with the missionaries here.  I spent the morning in the hospital with my dear doctor friend.  I have to say, every other time I have been in the DR I have felt like a tourist.  This is the first time I can truly see myself living here.  Over the past two days I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly of mission work.  I have envisioned what my life would be like here and I have to say I get pretty excited about the possibilities.  There is so much need and so much I can do.  I had lunch with a single female missionary today.  That was huge to hear her perspective.  To hear how she hasn't dated since being here and all the weddings, babies being born and time with friends she has missed- but to hear how God has worked through her ministry.  She is in charge of the best special ed school in the country!  And the only in about a 50 mile radius. 

I spent the afternoon vision dreaming with my potential site leader.  He showed me where SI is building a clinic.  A beautiful clinic next to their Physical Therapy site.  I spoke with the Physical Therapist about how he moved down here and is practicing.  It was fantastic to speak with someone who understands what it's like to leave American medicine.  We then went to remote villages where I can start clinics!  I just cannot believe this is where I am.  Just from SDR in Las Terrenas to here with SI and Jarabacoa.  The need is tremendous.  My job would never end.  My future site leader and I have a shared vision.  Work in the "urban" clinic for the poor several days a week.  Community health outreach with health care education and prevention in the remote villages.  Starting clinics and home visits in the mountains.  Regular clinics for the schools SI runs with initiation of health care record charts.  In my ministry I would surely be able to work with American students to help me with the Dominicans!  To reach those who would previously never have access to health care.  What a blessing!  And a prayer answered.  To be able to pray with my patients and combine spiritual with physical healing!  To follow the Greatest Healer.

HRC came this afternoon.  It was incredible to be able to share with my Pastor and dear friend all that has transpired.  I of course filled them in on everything.  Today I am feeling this is possible.  I get so excited thinking of where God is leading me.  I have to say I do get nervous when I think of all that I could see and not know what to do (medicinally).  But it's just like in the states- trust that Jesus will work through me, after all he is entrusting me with his children and whatever I don't know I will find someone who does. 

Tomorrow is my 2 and a half hour interview.  I'm not nervous but also not really looking forward to it.  I don't love sitting down and talking about myself but I suppose it has to be done.  I am just trusting.  Trusting God that this is His path for me.  That everything has led me up to now.

Tuesday July 5, 2011  7:15am
"He has shown you, O man, What is good.  And what does the Lord require of you But to do justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
    Micah 6:8

A season.  I am called to be here for at least a season, a couple of years.  Then to be determined.  Can I handle piloting a new ministry site?  Not alone.  But with the strength of the Lord anything is possible.  Did Moses think he could lead Israel out of Egypt?  Did David think he could defeat Goliath?  Did Mary think she could give birth to Our Savior?  With trust, love and faith in the ruler of all we can.  It is possible.  Everything.  Can I hang with youth and teach them?  I didn't think so a year ago, but yesterday I had teenage girls shouting my name and running up to hug me.  Telling me I would be great as a site leader.  Was that you Lord?  All is possible through you.  Mountains move.  Hearts change.  Missionaries are born.  Am I scared.  Yes.  Do I have moments where I am so excited I could jump up and down.  Yes.  Do I have moments where I am petrified?  Yes.  But through all of this no anxiety or unrest.  Just peace and purpose.  Today I am excited for my interview.  To share.  My path. Our path.  Please be with me.  May my words be yours.  May I understand your will for me and proceed forth.  Heavenly Father, I just praise you.  I thank you for bringing me to this place.  For making all these connections.  To meet people who don't look at you crazy when you have this will and desire to live in another place.  Thank you for this road we are embarking on together.  You have not left me.

10:45pm
I love this place.  But, once again I go home with such peace and conviction.  My interview went great.  I was a tiny bit nervous at the beginning but the Lord showed himself faithful and calmed my nerves.  I feel as though they truly got a grasp on who I am.  Our visions are parallel.  I cannot believe that all I have been dreaming will become a reality.  I was accepted on staff.  Praise the Lord!  I can finally move forward.  Many things have to happen before I am here.  My largest hurtle is my huge amount of student loan debt.  So here I am praying and challenging our Father.  To give my faith to you and believe that anything is possible through you.  This is where you want me to be.  Bring me here.  These past few days have been incredible.  And if My God is for us, than who could ever stop us?  I am ok with that.

Wednesday July 6, 2011 7:00am
"Therefore I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; My God will hear me."
   Micah 7:7

I am leaving today but without sorrow in my heart.  I always know that I will be back.  Perhaps it won't be for a year, but this is where God wants me to be.  Every missionary has their inbetween year; their year of fundraising and of faith growing.  I am inpatient and eager to get to the mission field right now, but all these things take time.  Thank goodness I am finally in a job back in the states that I like.  My God will hear me.  Trust.  Two resounding themes of the past week.  It's time to take a leap of faith.  At this moment I am not so overwhelmed; I'm where I need to be.  I know there will be many times over the next year when I am frustrated or sad or torn.  These I will lift up to our Father.  To trust that this is where he wants me; all in his timing.  I just pray for guidance.  I pray for patience with those around me who won't understand the journey I am on.

10:30 pm
I was so blessed to spend a couple of hours sharing with my parents all that has happened over the past couple of days.  They were pretty incredible.  I am taking a couple of weeks to think about my timeline for things and start thinking about fundraising.  I would love to have a kick-off event.  The ideas are pouring in.  Back to reality tomorrow.  I pray for courage, patience, trust and perseverance over this next year.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the glorious riches in Christ Jesus."
    Philippians 4:19

Physical Therapy Site

Physical Therapy Site

Future Medical Site Clinic

El Callejon- Social Work site, hopeful future community outreach!